Weeks have passed since your lungs felt fresh air. You no longer recognize human voices if they aren’t crackling through a grainy Zoom call. At this point, it’s difficult to discern where flesh ends and sweatpants begin.
Staying inside is the hottest trend of 2020. But with so many options for keeping busy, none of which involve sports, how does one choose an ideal method for staving off the suffocating panic?
Fortunately, the remnants of the NBA season offer a foolproof guide for any fan to quarantine exactly how his or her squad of choice would. After all, if you’re going to undergo a metamorphosis from man to glorified sofa cushion, you should at least do it like the pros.
Hoarding
First up are the hoarders, those who gather Charmin like a squirrel amasses acorns. If you are lucky enough to support the league’s top contenders, this is your area of expertise. The Lakers, Bucks and Clippers have stockpiled a wealth of talent sufficient to withstand any crisis and emerge victorious.
Look no further than the Clippers’ elite duo of Kawhi Leonard and Paul George to see the value of a sturdy two-ply defense.
Pretending everything is OK
Of course, maybe you aren’t all that concerned about a little pandemic and still want to rub elbows with friends. This mentality is perfect for loyalists of the Heat and the Nuggets, who insist they are perfectly capable of contending with the toughest threats.
The countless pathogens you collect defiantly shaking hands probably won’t get eliminated, unlike the Nuggets and Heat late in the postseason.
Amateur cookery
Cooking is an excellent hobby but poses certain challenges when your fridge is reduced to primarily condiments. Your cupboards may seem bare, yet the Raptors, Celtics and Thunder have written cookbooks about making do without big brand names.
Raptors head coach Nick Nurse managed to whip up a title contender out of Pascal Siakam and Fred VanVleet, so you’d be amazed what can be accomplished using Sriracha and leftover saltines from Wendy’s.
Essential work
Not to be forgotten are those away from home, our essential workers. These individuals display the same sort of unwavering consistency that lets the Jazz and Pacers annually finish as the fifth seed.
There isn’t much glory in bagging groceries or getting trounced in the second round of the playoffs, but these are the pillars upon which our society stands tall.
Getting in shape
Maybe you view this period as a golden opportunity to improve physically. This is the year it finally happens, you tell yourself. All it took was a hint of shame and a very convincing Peloton commercial.
But simply owning the best assets does not always guarantee success. Riding a stationary bike must feel a lot like managing the Rockets, 76ers or Nets — a whole lot of monetary investment and painstaking effort despite not actually moving forward.
Parenting
If you happen to be a new parent, I don’t need to tell you how you’ll be spending each waking, unblinking moment of the coming months. I pray your experience mirrors that of the Pelicans, Mavericks or Grizzlies, frustrating though promising young groups rapidly maturing before our eyes.
Then there’s the troublemaker, the Atlanta Hawks. Plenty of joy can be found in Trae Young’s thrilling 3-pointers, but the Hawks’ performance at large tends to resemble the terrible twos.
Revisiting classic films
Bulls, Knicks and Spurs faithfuls are undoubtedly binge-watching beloved old movies from better days. No matter how terrible the present situation, you can always turn to the classics as a means of reliving the past.
Going under lockdown
Lastly, we honor those simply waiting for the bad times to pass. Not everyone can be the Warriors, who relax in a fortified doomsday bunker knowing it won’t be long before resuming their regularly scheduled dominance.
Unfortunately, far more of us align with clubs that resemble train wrecks on hardwood. One can identify partisans of the Suns, Timberwolves or Cavaliers by a grim face that has known neither sunlight nor joy.
Each of these poor recluses, stained from tears and Cheeto dust alike, share a true kinship with their favorite team. At least for the near future, they are both living in the basement.
