It’s shameful that at one point in human history, bloodthirsty spectators would gather by the thousands to watch gladiators tear one another limb from limb. Nowadays, the men bashing each other’s skulls in for our amusement at least get the occasional Gatorade sponsorship.
Critics have spoken at length about the inherent violence of football. Recent NFL standouts Andrew Luck and Luke Kuechly both abruptly ended their careers due to injuries sustained on the gridiron. It seems inevitable that more of their colleagues will look into accelerated retirement plans.
Unfortunately, ESPN can only hire so many ex-players to provide painfully uncharismatic analysis in their broadcast booths. In an effort to stymie the league’s mass exodus from the field to used car dealerships and golf courses, I have compiled a number of lesser-known games with which the stars of yesteryear can stay active and perhaps even train for amid our barren sports landscape.
Part of what makes football so special is how it combines raw physicality with meticulous strategy. The only game in which this juxtaposition is more prevalent is chess boxing.
Originating in early 21st century Berlin, this contest naturally features two adversaries alternating between moving pawns and throwing jabs in pursuit of a checkmate or technical knockout.
An ideal entrant would be Indianapolis Colts legend and former Papa John's spokesperson, Peyton Manning, whose renowned tactical genius and nimble footwork would be invaluable both on the board and in the ring.
The chief concern is whether a forehead with as much surface area as Manning’s would provide too easy a target for incoming wallops. Regardless of how many times you shout “Omaha,” there’s no audible for acute brain trauma.
Wife-carrying has permeated American culture after its inception in Finland. As you might imagine, this event involves a man transporting a wife, typically but not exclusively his own, about 250 meters across varied terrain. Traditionally, the victorious pair is awarded the lady’s weight in beer.
At long last, fans could determine who the NFL’s premiere power couple truly is.
Russel Wilson should have little difficulty toting pop singer Ciara, considering he went through most of 2017 essentially putting a mediocre Seahawks squad on his back. Jay Cutler wasn’t always the best at connecting with his receivers, but he clearly shares a strong bond with reality television personality Kristin Cavallari.
Personally, I believe championship rings are of equal worth to those found at weddings. Therefore, my money’s on Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen and her slightly prettier husband, Tom Brady.
Ever since the inception of football, kickers have been unjustly labeled as its black sheep.
Luckily, these underappreciated individuals would finally have a chance to shine in the English combat sport appropriately dubbed shin-kicking. Athletes stuff straw in their socks and attempt to bludgeon their opponent below the knee until he says he’s had enough.
Once the Bears’ Cody Parkey cost his team a playoff win in 2019 by missing a field goal despite hitting both the left post and the crossbar, he became an easy target for anyone with a Twitter account. I am curious to see what chance any one of those internet critics would stand against Parkey in a round of the world’s weirdest martial art.
I don’t know about you, but I’m fairly certain my lower leg is a touch more fragile than the leather hide Parkey often boots over 50 yards at a time. The infamous “Double Doink” sounds a lot less funny when the uprights are your tibia and fibula.
In the United Kingdom’s ferret-legging, competitors seal a live ferret within their trousers and try to withstand the ensuing pain as long as possible. If not for the existence of long-distance running, this would surely be considered the most masochistic endurance sport.
Participants must have no fear and, per the rule book, no underwear.
I imagine this offers a great deal of transferable skill for offensive guards and tackles. Be it a crazed rodent or a defensive end, linemen are used to warding off an enemy constantly going for the sack.
