With the recent “Gossip Girl” meme dredging up the bastion of late-2000s insanity, I thought I’d give the show a chance.
I watched 30 episodes in three days. My eyes now sag in their sockets, threatening to tumble out onto my desk. My brain is goop, melted by melodrama and Nate Archibald’s heinous bangs.
“Gossip Girl” falls into a genre I like to call “shows about teenagers where every single possible thing that could ever happen to teenagers happens all the time.” “Pretty Little Liars,” “Riverdale” and “13 Reasons Why” also fit this mold.
These shows make for perfect irony watching. I don’t watch these shows because I like any of the characters. I certainly don’t watch them because the writers have crafted intricate, compelling narratives. No, I watch these shows for their sheer dementedness. They’re funnier than any comedy.
Honestly, I hate every single character on “Gossip Girl.” Serena van der Woodsen is so uncharismatic, Blair Waldorf straight up sucks, Chuck Bass should be in prison and Dan Humphrey is the most annoying, self-righteous character ever. I like Penn Badgley’s character on “You” more, and he’s an actual murderer.
Like every other CW show, there’s some beautiful will-they-won’t-they drama. The only problem is that the writers couldn’t decide which couple to apply the trope to, so they just said “Fuck it, we ball” and gave it to everyone. Serena and Dan? Of course! Blair and Chuck? Sure, why not? Dan’s dad and Serena’s mom? Uh... I guess?
Serena and Dan are the worst couple since Adam and Eve. They don’t go together at all. They have no chemistry, and every single conversation they have goes like this:
“Hey, Serena, I can’t believe you did that thing. How could you?”
“Dan, Blair did that. I had no clue it was going to happen.”
“Well, you should have predicted it. I blame you for this.”
“You resent me because I’m rich.”
“Yes, I do. Let’s kiss now.”
I feel like this show was written by a 15-year-old girl and a 70-year-old man. Characters will reference obscure filmmakers or classical musicians and then lament the hardships of the high school experience. It’s jarring.
After two seasons I don’t even know what this show is supposed to be about. I was under the impression that Gossip Girl’s identity mattered. I assumed all the central characters would band together and solve a mystery. But this show isn’t about that at all. It’s about rich, beautiful people having secrets and being mad.
Is Gossip Girl omniscient? Is she God? The show sets rules and consistently breaks them. Characters will take pictures of other characters kissing and then email them to Gossip Girl. That makes sense to me. But it doesn’t make sense when Gossip Girl is narrating private moments that other characters haven’t seen. And if one of the core characters is supposed to be Gossip Girl, why are they privately reacting to information they posted?
I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel watching this show. I am spiraling. With each episode, my brain’s perch on its stem becomes more precarious. Soon I will shut down entirely and serenely float off into the ether, untethered and unbothered.
With all the chaos in the world, it really is kind of nice to shut your brain off.
XOXO, Kevin.
