Richard Nixon and bowling. Woodrow Wilson and baseball. Barack Obama and basketball. Gerald Ford and football. William Howard Taft and getting out of the bathtub.
Sports are a pivotal part of the American dream, and being president of the United States doesn’t prevent you from taking part. If you haven’t heard, there’s an election coming up and it’s time to find out which candidate — Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump — is more athletic.
The rules are simple. We have established five categories: athleticism, physical attributes, speed, mental capabilities and intangibles. The contender who wins at least three is the champion. We hold these truths to be self-evident.
Let the games begin.
To know their athletic prowess, it’s important to know what sports these two excel in. According to her biography, “A Woman in Charge: The Life of Hillary Rodham Clinton,” she participated in sports such as swimming and baseball. Trump, on the other hand, was a member of his high school’s soccer, baseball and football teams. Since we have found a commonality in baseball, let’s break down their pitching form to see who is more athletic.
Donning a Cubs cap, Clinton is definitely the most relaxed of the pair. What’s surprising about the picture are her great mechanics. Her right arm holding the ball is at a 90-degree angle, and she seems comfortable mid-pitch. That is firmly juxtaposed against Trump, who is furrowing his brow in such a dramatic way that it looks like it’s going to fall off. Furthermore, his right arm turns in such a fashion that seems unbearable. He may have thrown a faster pitch, but at what cost? He won’t last on the mound. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Clinton wins the first bout.
Now I know what you’re going to say. Trump can’t win this due to his tiny hands. That’s a valid point you bring up, but it’s not enough to give Clinton the immediate win. The pair is around the same age — 69 for Clinton, 70 for Trump — so that doesn’t factor in. What does play a huge role, however, is Trump’s spray tan. It’s so bright with the intensity of a thousand suns that it will blind the opponents.
For once, Trump’s carroty glow is beneficial. He wins the round and the ability to destroy your vision at a moment’s notice.
Athleticism is one thing; speed is another. Just ask Shaquille O’Neal. Even though I requested one with both parties, we will not be able to get a foot race between the two candidates, just a political one. Thus, it is up to me to determine which candidate is faster.
Trump’s speed can be found in his tweets, which he sends one after another in such a manic and speedy fashion that Usain Bolt must get tired keeping track. He throws these opinions up in almost no time at all, which makes him a superstar in the field of quickness. With that said, he can’t match Clinton at her top pace. I don’t know if you’ve seen this, but she deleted 33,000 e-mails. That’s impressive. My e-mails slowly but surely stack up in such a way that I get apprehension just turning on my phone. Clinton wins in a landslide.
It has to be Clinton. Right?
The best athletes are insane. Michael Jordan tried to break down his own teammates with expletives and insults, Babe Ruth ate hot dogs before games, and Brett Favre thought Wranglers were fashionable.
You need an individual to be so wrapped up in his or herself without a care of the outside world to be a great athlete.
Trump wins this one. Easily.
When you look up the definition of intangible, it says “an intangible thing.” Well, that’s no help.
I define intangible as something extra, something that can’t be measured by a stopwatch or tape measure. What makes you special?
This comes down to one question. Who do I want on my team? As ruthless and neurotic as Clinton may be, I don’t believe that she will endanger my wellbeing. If Trump’s playing quarterback, he’s going to keep on throwing it over the middle until I get a concussion. If he’s playing point guard, I’m not getting the ball until there’s a second left on the shot clock.
Give me Clinton, but just barely.