“We did what we did so that you can have a better life,” says every parent to his or her child today. If we categorize staring at our phones 75 percent of the time and eating and sleeping the other 25 percent as a “better life,” then boy, we have it made.
Baby Boomers and Generation X hold some resentment when it comes to the millennial generation. Our gadgets and machines are too much to handle, and we’re incompetent and languid.
So what? This is why our elders hate our guts:
Snapchat. The most important millennial question has become, “to selfie, or not to selfie?” If we want to know the weather, we don’t look at the Weather app like a normal person.
Instead, we find out what the temperature is by taking a selfie on Snapchat. This might be why we can never dress for the weather properly. Also, it’s devastating when you go through a tough breakup and your ex decides to post all the nudes he screen-shotted of you. “Pics or it didn’t happen!”
We like to get FUBAR and we’re in love with the coco. ‘Nuff said.
Stemming off from that, we also love to create acronyms. It’s almost like the millennial generation has a code language which is kind of awesome in our eyes, but irritating to the teacher we’re calling a “dilf.” But when our phones autocorrect “girl” to “GUUURL,” we might need to re-evaluate our lives.
We don’t know how to use maps. Our reliance on our phones is obscene. We also don’t know how to change tires, sew or clean the gobs of hair out of the drain. Sooner or later we’re not going to know how to listen because our hearing won’t work because of our ever-present headphones that live in our ears.
We’re lazy couch potatoes who can’t sit up straight and we live vicariously through other people’s Instagram photos. We are the visual generation of scrolling, clicking and screen-shotting our lives.
We don’t read the newspaper or paperback books. Why read “The Great Gatsby” when you can simply illegally stream it online for free?
According to our doctors and our prescriptions, we all have ADD. We are the ultimate multitaskers because we can’t focus or concentrate on a single thing. During Hulu commercial breaks we decide to binge-watch Netflix just for the hell of it.
Brunch is the most important meal of the day. The name of the game is ?mimosas and bloody mary’s.
Whether you call it a buddy or a sandwich, the bacon, egg and cheese is what helps us thrive on a day-to-day basis. The BEC comes along with copious amounts of caffeine — Coke or coffee, whichever you prefer.
We don’t get “old people things,” like dial-up Internet access. When teachers make references to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch it goes right over our heads.
We can’t hold a good conversation. This might be why we never go on dates, make phone calls or speak with our classmates. At restaurants, families sit at a table and don’t say a single thing. One kid’s on Facebook, the other’s got his Nintendo on hand and the parents are answering work emails.
The most words spoken are to the waiter when they ask for more bread.
All in all, we’re a pretty diverse generation with a few redeeming qualities.
The truth is, we literally cannot even. And we’re OK with that.
