“You’ll change your mind,” they said.
No, it’s not what Chipotle employees say to me when I skip on the guacamole. It’s what every single person says to me when I reveal I wish to remain childless.
A collection of essays was published in the new book “Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids” by Meghan Daum ?last Tuesday.
I learned about the book after reading a column on Bitch Magazine’s website. As someone who’s often met with conflict about my choices on childbearing, I was immediately interested. I downloaded the book on my iPad for a light Easter read.
As expected, I felt a connection with the 13 female and three male writers who wrote about their experience of choosing not to have ?children.
I have no beef with children. Yes, they’re annoying, they break everything they touch and, for some reason, they’re always sticky. But I understand that’s how children are. I was that way myself. I’m not holding their childish nature against them.
I don’t want children because I want to do other things with my life. It’s the same reason I wouldn’t want a dog in my twenties.
Sure, dogs are great companions — they provide an abundance of love and they’re a ball of fun. But they’re also a huge responsibility and time commitment. I can’t own one when I’m trying to make my way in life as a journalist.
I imagine one child alone would be more than 10 times the responsibility of a ?four-legged friend.
Raising a child would likely consist of teaching and supporting them well into their twenties. I know everyone says you can legally cut them off at 18, but as someone whose college is paid for by their parents, I see that as highly unlikely.
Admitting I want to be childless is harder than the actual decision. I’m constantly met with comments, as if people think they can convince me otherwise.
“You’ve never had someone who loves you ask you to make a child together.”
“You’ll like your own kids.”
When I defend my points and stand with my decision, I can almost feel people picking apart my words to establish a perception of what type of woman I am.
Suddenly, I’m not maternal. I’m cold-hearted, insincere and emotionally starved. I must not want a child because I’m incapable of ?loving it.
This is simply untrue. I know that if I were to have a child, I would love it unconditionally. But I would dive headfirst into motherhood.
I’m a Type-A person, and I know deep down that all my energy, my time and my attention would focus on the child. I would lose myself in raising a family. My other desires and motivations would be put on hold indefinitely, laid aside to be resentfully ?regretted.
So don’t feel like you can comment on people’s life decisions when they don’t concern you. It’s rude, invasive and honestly, it feels awful.
Is choosing to be childless selfish? Maybe. But it’s my choice, and I’m sticking with it.
maehogan@indiana.edu
