Losing our virginity

I don’t believe in virginity. This position tends to make people kind of upset.

For some reason, climate change deniers can gather a dandy troupe to march behind them (looking at you, Fox News), but when I insist that virginity is a myth, people start yelling at me.

I suppose it’s one of my many unpopular opinions.

According to the myth, virgins exist in a pure state.

They haven’t mucked themselves up by engaging in intercourse, which is defined by most as penile/vaginal sex.

Following this logic, your average lesbian will never lose her virginity, and she’s in good company.

Blow job aficionados, anal sex enthusiasts, independent orgasmers, porn archivists and good listeners — all virgins.

Only they can light the mythic candle and bring forth the Sanderson witches for a night of spooky family fun.

Hymens are especially important to the purveyors of this myth. Sexual activity can be physiologically determined just by breaking it.

Bleeding is a mark of true purity.

Hooray, women bleeding.

In reality, hymens are not reliable indicators of anything.

The hymen is a fleshy membrane covering part of the vaginal opening that often wears away because of things such as riding a bike, being a gymnast, using tampons, putting fingers up there, putting other stuff up there and yes, sexual intercourse.

Many women don’t bleed the first time they have penile/vaginal sex. Bleeding is sometimes a sign that something is wrong.

So no, virginity is not real — at least not in the pseudo-medical way we often
discuss.

People can be experienced or inexperienced, confident or hopeless when it comes to their sex lives, but I don’t find the word “virgin” to be a useful term.

It’s a concept that can actually hurt people.

If penile/vaginal sex is the magic key that releases one’s virginity, it follows that digital stimulation, oral sex, anal sex and other types of intimate touching are not as good or important.

Getting to second or third base isn’t as good as scoring a home run, it seems.

This is unfortunate, considering 75 percent of women can’t orgasm from penetration alone.

My understanding is that most gay people don’t particularly enjoy penile/vaginal sex, either.

Though most of America is cool with gay marriage, there still seems to be some debate as to whether or not lesbians can actually have sex.

In addition to denigrating most forms of pleasure, our constructs of virginity impose harsh value-judgments on sexual activity.

Men are worthless if they hold onto virginity for too long. Women are worthless if they let it go too early.

Virginity is treated like a precious stone; the boudoir like a trading post.
Imagine being raped and existing in a society where this narrative is not only present, but it dominates.

Instead of being virgins or not, we should talk about our sex lives in more open, inclusive ways.

Maybe someone has tried one sex act but no tanother.

Maybe they’ve never orgasmed with a partner. Maybe their sexuality is undefined.

Maybe they’re not ready to do anything sexually.

All of these experiences are different and valuable, and the modern conception of “virginity” does none of them justice.

casefarr@indiana.edu