OK to date your own race

Last week, Slate published a column that ruffled my feathers.

Reiham Salam wrote a column with the headline, “Is It Racist to Date Only People of Your Own Race?”

The publication is kind enough to tell us the answer right below the title: yes.

A title like that is bound to attract a ton of attention, which was probably the intention of the editors.

Salam talks about OKCupid’s new way of filtering potential dates using questions. The controversial one is “Would you strongly prefer to go out with someone of your own skin color/racial background?”

Salam goes on to express his surprise at the number of people who actually answer the question — in particular, the number of people who answer yes.

He chalks it up to in-group favoritism but never explicitly calls same-race dating racist.

Whether the title of the column is because of lazy editors who don’t properly read through the copy submitted to them or desperate editors trying to increase readership, I must attempt to respectfully disagree with it.

Dating someone of the same race is not racist, nor is having preferences toward people of your race.

My mother was harassed throughout high school for dating black men. She was labeled a “nigger-lover” and even people in our family looked down on her.

But when I ask her why she chose to face discrimination when a single white boy would have saved her so much trouble, she always responds, “Because I prefer black men.”

This was not just some rebellious phase my mom went through. In the 20 years I’ve been alive, I have only known my mom to date one non-black man.

And even as a child, my mom had more interest in black men on television than the white ones.

My mom’s preference is not the result of in-group favoritism. She’s not black, and she certainly didn’t grow up around a lot of black people.

For the longest time you could count the number of black people in our hometown on two hands.

There is simply something about black men my mom finds more attractive, and she’s not afraid to admit it. Yet, most would not call her racist for this preference because it results in an interracial relationship.

But it’s the same kind of discrimination.

If gearing toward only your own race is racist, than gearing specifically toward another race is just as racist because you’re discriminating all the others.

In the same vein, my having crushes on only white boys while growing up was not racist.

In-group favoritism would support that preference because I was raised solely by my white family, who I look like and am most comfortable around.

But I am under no illusion that I look like my family. My hair is far too coarse, my nose too wide and my skin too dark for me or society to ever consider me white. But I still prefer white people.

We don’t scream at people for being close-minded bigots when they express a preference for blondes to brunettes.

And we don’t call people who only date the opposite gender homophobic.

Race is just one physical attribute among many that attracts interest. It is not something that can be controlled by the subject or the beholder.

The fact is you like what you like. And you shouldn’t have to adjust your preferences to please an oversensitive society.

­lnbanks@indiana.edu
@LexiaBanks