Let's talk toilet trauma

I don’t trust you as a person if you say you like public bathrooms.

Unfortunately, since it became the social norm to go to the bathroom indoors, public bathrooms have become a way of life.

Here are some observations, start to finish, to make this experience better.  

First off, let’s talk entering the bathroom. If you happen to be entering at the same time someone is leaving, be prepared for an awkward dance.

If I open the door for you, please do not push it. I know it sounds weird, but this happens 98 percent of the time.

And I’m talking about every door, not just the bathroom’s.

Don’t believe me? Try it.

Open a door for someone next time you enter somewhere and they will almost always instinctively push on the door. What goes on in your mind, people? Do you think I’m going to close it on you as some kind of sick joke to fill some crucial void in my life?

If I get a hyper-extended arm, it’s on you — but I digress.  

Most importantly, the first thing men should look for is a splash-guard. I will literally not go to the bathroom if there is no splash-guard in between the urinals.

I can’t tell you how many good pants I’ve lost to friendly fire because of the lack of a splash guard. No more.

Now, can we get on the issue of toilet paper? The worst fear in my life isn’t public speaking — it’s having to go number two in a public bathroom.

Not only are you seated on five round feet of porcelain that has been inhabited by all sorts of creatures in that given day, but the toilet paper is horrendous.

I don’t understand it. How can bathrooms have elaborate marble floors, decorative ceilings, electronic flushers, electronic paper dispensers, TVs in the urinal, shady old people handing out mints, and yet still have the cheapest toilet paper known to man?

I want one amenity: good toilet paper.

Sure, it costs a dollar or so extra, but think of how much better you’d be making the world.

Lastly, washing hands. Why do businesses put up signs in their bathrooms informing employees they must wash their hands?

Was this a problem that had to be addressed? This should be a prerequisite in food establishment background checks. Does this person adequately wash his or her hands?

If you can avoid going to a public bathroom, good for you.

For those who simply just have to go, Godspeed.

­— eygoldar@indiana.edu