Jungle gym

The Incredible Bulks: How in the world does anyone get so BIG?

With their living, breathing biceps, these gym rats must have a side job of towing cars with their abdominal muscles. For your own safety, be careful not to make eye contact, especially when they start reenacting the infamous “diner scene” of the 1989 classic movie “When Harry Met Sally” with their carnal grunts and moans.

Favorite exercise: Lifting a Volkswagen, 10 reps, followed by 15 seconds of mirror flexing

Favorite food: An entire Angus cow, washed down with Muscle Milk

Shy Guys: These anxious athletes are terrified of judgment by the Incredible Bulks.

Lifting weights in front of others is a first for these new members of the local gym. These kind-hearted souls spend the majority of their time apologizing for being in the way or making sure their shoelaces are double-knotted.

Favorite exercise: Anything not located in front of a mirror.

Favorite food: Random trips to the water fountain.

The Hypocrites: From the department of “One Step Forward, Two Steps Back,” these so-called “athletes” only pretend to live a healthy lifestyle.

The truth is, they only visit the gym to burn off recent taco-based adventures. There may even be a secret pack of cigarettes in their gym bag. They’re making an honest effort to be fit, but they have yet to realize the secret to genuine fitness is a few simple lifestyle changes.

Favorite exercise: Push-ups (from the knees only)

Favorite foods: Miller High Life Light , French bread pizza

The Junior Varsity Ballers: These hoop stars technically haven’t played sports since middle school, but their self-proclaimed reputation as basketball phenoms is off the charts.

They put more effort into their intramural team’s jerseys than their playbook, and their embroidered sweatpants look absolutely gaudy. You will commonly find them missing layups and assigning each other unmerited nicknames on the SRSC’s various open basketball courts. Just don’t insult their reputation, bro.

Favorite exercise: Failed half-court shots

Favorite foods: 20-ounce Gatorade, Stride gum

On-the-Clock Employees: Despite what their friendly name tags say, these people do not care about your personal fitness accomplishments. They’re stuck at work.

Perhaps they enjoy athletic hobbies in their free time, but for now, they’re trapped in a sweaty room. Their embroidered polo shirts are one step away from “prison uniforms.” No, you can’t reserve a basketball court. No, they can’t spot you. No, they didn’t take your sweatpants.

Favorite exercise: Checking phone for new texts

Favorite food: Snickers bar from the vending machine

Queen of the Greeks: Here comes royalty! This sorority girl (and all 5,000 of her sisters) are currently occupying the elliptical machines. You’ll have to wait.

They may look very similar with their leggings, Kilroy’s shirts, and Camelbak water bottles , but do not tell them this. They will be the first to claim their originality.

Favorite exercise: Pinterest mobile app

Favorite food: $3.50 low-carb protein bar, Starbucks latte