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Friday, March 29
The Indiana Daily Student

Do pheromones actually work?

Pheromones

Abstract

Small, white, heterosexual female [Fig. 1] wears commercial pheromones to the bars to test the product’s effectiveness. Results surprising.

Introduction:

Attraction is chemical, some companies claim. They say, “Hey you! You’re getting laid tonight with a couple of sprays o’ pheromones.”

There’s a science to it. Animals, including humans, secrete pheromones, subtlety scented hormones that stimulate certain behaviors. Add factory pheromones, and you may find yourself feeling more relaxed, empowered, and attractive in the eyes of others. 

Here in the Inside laboratory, we purchased a pheromones product containing the active ingredient alpha-androstenol and sprayed down yours truly before heading to the Mecca of raging hormones that is Kilroy’s Sports Bar.

Methods/Materials:

The experiment was repeated twice, once as a control and once to test the product. 

Purchase 

To research and buy pheromones, test subject turned to the World Wide Web’s most reliable knowledge base: Yahoo Answers. A 2008 post pointed to Androtics Direct, a top Internet provider of all things pheromones. One bottle of Instant Sexiness cost $119.95 — out of the price range.

Test subject called local CVS Pharmacy and spoke to a flustered pharmacist: “No, ma’am, we don’t carry things like that.” 

Test subject Googled “sex shops Bloomington.” Bypassing the dildos, penis lollipops, and cherry-flavored lube, a saleswoman displayed the pheromones wares: essential oils, scented cologne, or unscented spray. Subject purchased one 29.5 milliliter bottle of TLC Lure for Her Pheromone Attractant Cologne [Fig. 2] specifically engineered for females to attract the male species.

Application

For both tests, the 5 foot 5 inches, 100-pound 21-year-old female test subject dressed in the same short-heeled ankle boots, black jeans, and brightly patterned T-shirt.

Fifteen minutes before leaving for the bars, the subject spritzed the product once on the neck and once on the wrists. 

Test

At 1 a.m. on two consecutive Thursday nights in January, test subject entered the Kilroy’s Sports dance floor and stayed for 60 minutes. Subject got groove thang on to club hits like “Two Step” and “We Found Love.” If a male subject approached and engaged with test subject for two minutes or more, he was tallied by a member of test subject’s entourage.

Results:

On control night, eight subjects approached and engaged with test subject, their actions ranging from a dance move known as “grinding” to physically shoving competing subjects out of the way. Test subject’s ass was grabbed too many times to count.

On test night, subject repeated prior experiment, adding two sprays of Lure For Her. 

Zero outside subjects engaged with test subject. 

Discussion:

I expected to feel like Carrie Bradshaw. Instead I ended up feeling like Lance Armstrong.

True confession, Oprah. I tried to cheat nature. I wore chemically enhanced pheromones in an attempt to lure men for the sake of journalism, and I regret everything.

The pheromones promised I would step out the door radiating fearless, first class sex appeal. As it turns out, I reeked of babies and nursing homes. Nothing says “sexy” quite like smelling the same as a freshly powdered infant. 

Listen, science is talking, and it’s telling you, leave the Lure behind. 

It’s not worth it, Lance, it’s not worth it.

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