Ad men or bad men

Some call it an advertising renaissance, but we call it the next step toward hell on Earth. It has gotten to the point that we can’t walk to class or go to the bathroom without being bombarded by big, flashy advertisements. We materialists are sick and tired of being told to buy things all the time and the following are featured prominently in our collective ‘Burn Book.’ Let’s put this trend to rest before the  marketing mongrels take it any further and invade our dreams.

MOBILE BILLBOARD

You’re just trying to sell something — we get that — but your truck looks stupid.

Everyone knows you’re not actually going anywhere. You simply want maximum advertising exposure for your housing complex that is too far from campus to be convenient.

The truth is you are avoiding zoning and beautification laws while also ruining the environment one lap around town at a time. That seems pretty low, guys.  

Keep going if it’s really making a difference to your business, but be forewarned: keep congesting 10th Street, and we will find you.

TOILET PAPER

An underhanded and shitty thing to do, we wish we could wash our hands of these advertisers.

While on the commode, we just want to read about Kimye’s baby and Queen Bey’s lip-syncing debacle. Telling us about the toughness of your law firm is irrelevant — the task at hand is tough enough.

Your beautifully designed ad is about to go on someone’s butt, which is probably symbolic of the state your beloved company is in.

Word of advice: If you’re going to do this, at least make sure your product is toilet-related, like if you’re selling broccoli.

TATTOOS

Okay mostly this is the fault of the people who get these dumb tattoos that you can never wash off and now it’s just on your forehead forever.

Companies: Do you really want to be associated with people that will do this? Is this the kind of representation you want?

If your answer is yes, then you are most likely the proud proprietor of a tattoo parlor and kudos to you, sir or madam.

DREAMS

This hasn’t happened yet but they talked about it in a Futurama episode once, which is enough to get us angry. There was something like this in “Minority Report“ — remember when Tom Cruise had his eyes replaced with that Japanese guy’s?

Anyway, dream time is for celebrity make-out fantasies ONLY. We understand that our sole value in society is as the mindless masses that consume and consume, but leave us alone when we’re unconscious.  

If we don’t get more of a break when it comes to the constant barrage of advertisements we face every day, some of us might have a mental breakdown and we’ll run editorials like this into eternity.