What to do without the election

With the conclusion of the 2012 elections, the torrid love affair between newspaper columnists and election-based opinion columns ends.

When we were drunk and desperate, she was always willing to let us use her for a quick column, but alas now she’s showered, left for work and left us laying in the wet patch on the bed without so much as leaving her phone number.

This has left many of us writers desperately trying to fill the gaping void in our lives and trying to remember what it was like to discuss other issues. I can’t help but suspect this may be a problem for many Americans.

Therefore, I thought perhaps I could offer some suggestions for new hobbies to distract us from these difficult times, and we can begin the process of healing together.
Reconnect with the friends and family you’ve alienated.

Enthusiasm is a wonderful thing, unless you’re a funeral home director. Even the sort of excess enthusiasm that encourages people to paint their faces and scream at sports teams is acceptable, if illogical. But maybe you’ve gone too far. Pretend you’ve publicly accused President Barack Obama of ignoring gay rights, or Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney of eating unbaptized infants. These are ignorant statements, and have probably cost you some friends and credibility. Take the opportunity to apologize and once again behave like a rational, informed adult.

Start a cult.

For many rabid political activists and would-be-pundits, this is a logical next step. You already are intensely committed to a specific ideology, and likely surrounded by like-minded friends and acquaintances. The only real difference is that there tends to be more snake-handling and group sex in cults than at rallies for fiscal responsibility, and that religions are tax-deductible.

Plan your long-delayed move to Canada.

It seems that around election time someone always announces that if their side loses, they’re leaving the country. While I’ve only met a few Canadians, they’ve always seemed like perfectly nice people. I realize I can’t judge an entire population based on a few individuals, but I can’t imagine what heinous crime Canada could commit to deserve to be saddled with our loud-mouthed sore losers.

Drink.

Who am I to disagree with such an established and time-honored tradition? If you do it publicly, remember to tip your bartender. I guarantee they aren’t making enough to care about your bitter political tirades.

­— stefsoko@indiana.edu