There’s a new alcohol in town

The careful observer may notice that the anguished wails coming from Indiana Daily Student Opinion boardroom sound more embittered than usual.

This is primarily because Russia, our staunchest ally, has betrayed us.

Last week, in a surprise move, Russia declared that it is going to classify beer as alcohol.

Until this decision, beer was classified as a “foodstuff,” a term so uncomfortably nebulous that it is only a matter of time until Rally’s adopts it.

This decision is part of a growing effort to curb problems of alcoholism in Russia, narrowly beating out more radical solutions, such as not living in Russia. 

Until this recent decision, Russia’s Center for Federal and Regional Alcohol Market Studies advocated a policy remarkably similar to that of most of ours, classifying anything that had less than 10 percent alcohol as food. Frankly, with alcohol laws that lenient, we’re surprised and disappointed that no one thought to identify beer as a vitamin.

While we at the IDS Opinion section are all for people not dying of cirrhosis of the liver, even when it interferes with our stereotypes and punch lines, it’s hard not to feel like this move is a bit hollow.

On one hand, beginning to create and enforce restrictions about the sale of beer means that not every store can simply sell it at all hours to all people.

However, as we’re certain anyone who has suffered under Indiana’s antiquated liquor laws of no sales on Sundays has noticed, introducing such restrictions makes buying liquor more inconvenient and irksome.

What it doesn’t do is stop people from actually buying liquor.

All such laws do is force people to plan ahead and make certain that they aren’t in danger of running out of beer, since it can’t be easily replaced.

Any ambitious Russian policy maker need only look at the America to realize that if citizens are committed to consuming things which will ultimately kill them, they’ll continue to do so, no matter what laws and ordinances are instituted.

It’s a bit like New York trying to curtail diabetes and obesity by banning oversized soft drinks, except that Russia doesn’t even pretend that whatever is in the cup isn’t spiked with alcohol.

Beer might not be the greatest threat to Russia’s health or sobriety, but by classifying it as alcohol, Russia is reminding its citizens of the potential, and often ignored, health risks that heavy drinking poses.

However, as we wait for this law to formally take effect, we’d like to raise a toast to Russia: here’s to living like every fraternity guy, sorority girl and tailgater wishes he or she could.