Elevator awkwardness creates social disaster

Let me tell you a secret. Your shoes are not that interesting. And no, the answers to the meaning of life are not written on the ceiling.

You just refuse to make eye contact with another human being in the elevator. For some strange reason, an elevator is a death sentence for conversation and human interaction. Why is it that nobody talks in an elevator? Worse yet, why does no one acknowledge that other people even exist within that elevator?

Now, I know it is impossible to text one another while standing on opposite sides of this shiny silver box. Cell service sucks in an elevator shaft. If that were possible, the awkwardness of actually having to engage in conversation might go away. But heaven forbid we actually open our mouths and utter words to one another while making the 30-second trip up or down.

Besides actually talking to one another, there is a physical jigsaw puzzle going on every time someone new enters the space.

The game goes like this: The door to the elevator opens, and in walks a new person. Everyone already in the space moves to the absolute farthest location from any other person. If there are too many people, smashing oneself into a corner instead of actually touching another human being is totally an option.

Try to start a conversation in an elevator. I dare you. Sometimes the response can be quite positive. The astonished subject will be so blown away by the breaking of a social norm that he or she will be cordial in response. Sometimes, though, hostility drips in the very glare that you will receive upon breaking the silence, because how is someone supposed to ignore that you exist if you insist on talking?

Why is this fear of interaction present? In an elevator in particular, every social situation that bothers people is magnified exponentially. It is hard to maintain a bubble of personal space when you are working in a six-square-foot box. It is hard to make conversation, especially with people you may not know, yet it is hard to deal with silence between people.

We desperately want to break up the awkwardness, and sometimes that comes at a price. Nothing is more uncomfortable than getting in a crowded, silent elevator and having someone say, “Well this is awkward.” It wasn’t awkward until you said something, jerk.

There is, of course, an easy solution that will solve all of the problems that occur in an elevator. You can avoid the awkward silence, the uncomfortable conversation, the inability to text, the need to not make physical contact and the waiting.

It’s simple. Take the stairs.

­— azoot@indiana.edu