Not another rally travelogue

It’s been two weeks now since the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, but I think I owe it to myself and my devoted fans to report on my trip.

Normally, I would probably write about the political implications of the rally and what it means for our country’s culture. I’m sure you’re just bursting with excitement at the prospect of reading yet another whip-smart political commentary in the Indiana Daily Student.

However, I understand the rally has been covered ad nauseum on all angles by almost every news outlet in America, ranging from the “New York Times” to my elementary school’s PTA newsletter.

Instead, I’m going to regale you with anecdotes and fun facts from my epic journey out to our nation’s beautiful, albeit overcrowded, capital.

The first thing you have to understand about the eastern seaboard is people there don’t exactly take things lightly.

For example, when I entered Virginia, the first sign on the interstate stated: “Speed limit enforced by aircraft.”

I’m somewhat of an aggressive driver, so normally I don’t really think too much about such things as “speed limits” or “stop signs” or “pedestrians.” However, the possibility I could be pulled over by an Apache Longbow gunship for driving 15 over was extremely alarming.

Fortunately, I made it safely to Charlottesville, Va. without any helicopter sightings.

My friend and I spent the night at the University of Virginia, where we got the inside scoop on what it’s like to go to arguably the most pretentious school outside of the Ivy League.

For instance, a student at “Mr. Jefferson’s University” is never considered to be a senior, as one is not a senior when they are still learning.

Also, you cannot live off-campus. You live off-grounds. The derogatory term “freshman” apparently does not exist at UVA, but instead you can find plenty of classy “first-years” becoming utterly plastered at frat parties. A rose is a rose by any other name, I suppose.

We left Charlottesville at 10 a.m., thinking we would be able to shoot up to D.C. in an hour, park, leisurely take the Metro into the city and casually stroll to the National Mall to check out the crowd.

Accounting for congestion, the drive ended up taking close to four hours. After searching desperately for parking for 20 minutes, we hopped on the subway at 2 p.m., almost two hours after the rally was supposed to begin.

When I lived in the district a few summers ago, I rode the Metro every day to work. You could usually make the trip from my apartment in Foggy Bottom to the Mall in 10 minutes or less.

The very same trip on the day of the rally took close to an hour. We sat on the train for a good 30 minutes, stopping at each station for excruciatingly long periods of time before moving at an absurdly slow pace to the next stop.

We had driven almost 700 miles to see this rally, and I was not going to settle for missing it by a matter of minutes due to Washington’s exceptionally poor infrastructure.

When I emerged from the depths of the subway at the Federal Triangle, throngs of people swarmed the streets in almost every direction as far as I could see, all of whom were wearing ironic T-shirts. It was madness.

My friends and I sprinted toward the mall, hoping just to catch a glance of our goal. We arrived at 2:58 p.m., just in time to see the tail-end of Jon Stewart’s thank you remarks and a mildly entertaining performance by The Roots. We did it.

On the way back to Bloomington, my friend decided it would be a good idea to take a “shortcut” through backcountry West Virginia to avoid the toll roads. You can probably already guess that this wasn’t the best of ideas.

When we emerged from the mountains almost two hours later, we were different men. We had seen things that cannot be unseen and heard things, specifically bluegrass music, that cannot be unheard.

It was a disturbing experience.

If you’re looking for a fun weekend trip, check out “The Mystery Hole” in West Virginia. Trust me; it is an experience you will never forget.

I usually try to end with some witty remark or one-liner, but this time I can’t really think of any overriding point I’m trying to accomplish with this article.

Rather, I think it would be more appropriate to keep in spirit with the rally and just let the column end, right here.


E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu