Handle it

Even if you aren’t there for your student physically, you can still be there emotionally. As your student becomes an adult, he or she will need you to lend an ear – an understanding, non-judgmental ear.  

Ten tips for parents if your student comes out to you
Think you know everything about your child? You might not. Many gay students come out to their parents during their first year of college, but it’s not something all parents are prepared to hear. Doug Bauder, coordinator of the IU Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Student Support Services, regularly speaks to IU parents and students about GLBT issues and offers this advice:

1. Realize you’re not alone. There are lots of parents who have discovered this about their children. And it’s really not about you, what you have done or not done. It just is.
2. Take time to listen closely to what your student is saying and to the feelings they are expressing.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, but try to do so without being judgmental. For example: “Tell me more about how you know this. What can I do to learn more and be supportive of you? What do you need from me right now?”

4. Seek out resources. Contact the GLBT Office at IU. Become familiar with organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. One of PFLAG’s brochures is titled “Our Daughters and Sons.” It’s excellent. Take time to read it.

5. Remember that sexual orientation and gender identity is not a choice. It is a discovery.

6. Recognize that you might not be surprised at all. But, on the other hand, you might go through a very real grieving process. Don’t condemn yourself for your feelings. Find someone to share them with, ideally someone understanding.

7. Be as supportive and non-judgmental as you possibly can. Remember in the long run, whatever the neighbors think isn’t really as important as the relationship you have with your child.

8. Consider that what your son or daughter has just done is an act of trust, and ultimately, of love. Try to match your child’s courage with your own.

9. Realize that you haven’t “lost” your child. In fact, this experience could lead to a deeper and richer relationship for you and your family.

10. You are on a new journey. You might come to recognize it as a gift.