Pee is for privacy

Some things are just terrible ideas.

For instance, Stormy Daniels, professional adult film star (couldn’t have possibly guessed that from the name, could you?) is running for a Senate seat in Louisiana.

She is clearly qualified because, as her online biography puts it, she has been ‘breaking glass ceilings her entire life’ through such consequential roles as high school newspaper editor and president of her school’s 4-H club.

Surprisingly, the resume kind of stops after she graduated the 12th grade. This is a terrible idea.

Ticketmaster, so used to being a monopoly that they felt the need to sue all their competitors for – ahem – being competitors, has decided to merge with LiveNation. Folks, prepare for surcharges more expensive than your beer tab at the concert. This is another terrible idea.

And how about the “Sex and the City” sequel? Without a doubt, this is a dreadfully abominable idea that only appeals to the Ugg-wearing population.

Administering drug tests to public school teachers is an equally ignorant and vapid notion. Hawaii, North Carolina and West Virginia are among the states toying with the concept.

In each state, teachers are preparing for a legal showdown. I don’t blame them.

First of all, try to imagine a situation more degrading in the workplace than peeing in a cup – with supervision. If you came up with one, then it’s probably the reason you’re in college now.

Professionals with post-secondary education have come to expect a certain level of dignity on the job, and reasonably so. The Constitution implicitly provides some level of privacy; as a West Virginia judge declared last month, teacher testing crosses the line of unreasonable searches.

Moreover, this is absurd economically. Each administered drug test costs $44. In one of the West Virginia school districts, testing will amount to approximately $37,000. That’s enough to hire another teacher!

While I realize that no one wants Mrs. Johnson teaching his or her second grader when she’s high as a kite, teacher testing is an inappropriate and ineffective way of addressing this.

Education as a profession ranks among the lowest in illicit drug use. Only about 4 percent of teachers surveyed by the federal government reported use of illegal drugs in the past month, making educators 18th out of the 19 professions surveyed.

Our school systems should be focusing on ways to improve education and target teachers doing a poor job, regardless of whether their substandard performance is drug-induced.

Mike McCartney, executive director for the Hawaii State Teachers Association, remarked, “Random testing isn’t going to suddenly increase test scores. This is a huge distraction from how to make our schools better.”

Not to mention that I think pot-smoking teachers could possibly bring something extra to the table: a more colorful classroom perhaps? Or snacks! Everyone remembers the teacher who always had snacks.

But seriously, while illicit drug use among educators is to be condemned, drug testing our teachers is devaluing them at an extraordinary financial cost that could be much better spent.

I applaud the teachers who are resisting. I hope that others follow their lead.