An ode to the elephant ear

Generally speaking, when I spend $20 on a meal, I expect it to involve a lovely juicy steak, or perhaps some kind of seafood fare not native to anywhere near Indiana.

Eating at the fair is one of the exceptions to this rule. Only once a year does the opportunity arise to consume so much deep-fried anything. And I realize there’s probably a reason for the prices being so steep on something fried beyond recognition and smothered with confectionary bliss. It’s probably for the health and well-being of humankind.

But it’s all so, so good.

The Monroe County Fair is taking place this week, which means that in addition to cute animals, nauseating rides and demolition derbies, it is high time to take advantage of my fair-food quota for the year.

The anticipation was almost too much to bare as two colleagues and I inched along state Route 45 out to the fair. All that stood between me and that first bite of greasy bliss was a mile-long line of cars.

When we finally parked, it was all I could do to not sprint for the rows of food carts, body-checking women and small children in the process. But I restrained myself.

In the world of fair food, three items are the staple that must be included in the meal: the pork tenderloin sandwich, the lemon shake-up and the elephant ear. We set out on a hunt for these items and I settled on the “BIG-licious T” jumbo Texas tenderloin. And yes, it was big, and ’licious.

The pork for the sandwich was so big, in fact, it had to be folded over in order to fit on the bun.

As I waited in line, watching my meal deep fried in a massive vat of oil right in front of me, a fleeting image of my arteries screaming in fear flashed before me. I quickly pushed that away as I took the scalding hot and messy sandwich from the woman working at the booth and scoped out a spot to sit.

When it comes to fair food, the easier it is to eat while walking the better. Ideally, it should be on a stick. So if I were to be rating this based on portability, it would probably fail. But the crispy breaded pork topped with tomatoes, lettuce, mayonnaise, onions and pickles was near-perfect, and exactly what I needed after a long day in the office.

Next on the list was the lemon shake-up. If summer had a flavor, it would be this. Granted, the first three sips of the drink all contained seeds, but that just means it’s authentic. You won’t find seeds in Country Time lemonade mix. And the still grainy sugar that settled on the bottom and came with the last sip was a great finishing taste.

Lastly, we set out in search of the pinnacle of festival food: the elephant ear.

Nowhere else and at no other time of the year can you find this massive deep-fried and sugar-coated delicacy (probably with good reason). Considering I already literally felt like I was going to explode at this point, I was only able to have a few bites, but let me tell you, it was everything I had hoped for and more.

The dough was a little chewy, a little crispy and deliciously greasy. There was a perfect amount of sugar dumped on top (tons). Definitely worth a yearlong wait.

When we finally all piled back into the car, moving was a bit of a challenge as we were all pretty much stuffed to the brim. I guess that just means mission accomplished, since the opportunity to have an excuse to eat that much deep-fried anything won’t come for at least another year, assuming clogged arteries and heart failure don’t set in by then.