Wee folk, big threat

While you’re distracted by the joy of returning for another seven weeks of school, a menace from abroad is slowly infiltrating our society. A mysterious cabal, working secretly towards who knows what end, amassing resources, quietly monitoring us from the fringes of our perception ... an ancient and dangerous group known for its sly cunning and its skill in crafting quality footwear.\nI speak, of course, of leprechauns.\nOh, but you say, leprechauns are a myth – a trumped-up folk legend used to boost Irish tourism and sell millions of tiny, brightly-colored marshmallows! Ha! I was once like you: blissfully unaware of the storm gathering in the nation’s verdant glens and rings of mushrooms (called “fairy circles” by top national security experts). But now I have seen the face of evil. And it has wee hat with a buckle on it!\nThis revelation came when I was in the midst of celebrating my Irish heritage via the rich and wholesome tradition of drinking assorted green liquids. This year, March 17 falls during Holy Week, so the Catholic Church officially held St. Patrick’s Day on Saturday, March 15, but some secular authorities are celebrating it today, as usual. Thus, not wishing to offend anyone, I have simply commemorated St. Pat’s for the last three days – and, therefore, have consumed a very great quantity and variety of green liquids: green beer, green tea, green soda, absinthe, industrial-grade disinfectant, Chicago River water ... I had imbibed one of these many potables when I saw him, standing on the curb of the street, smug as could be. He was out in broad daylight, but no one seemed to notice him. That is their way – to hide in plain sight. Like ninjas.\n“Hello, leprechaun,” I said. “Are you having a good day?”\n“Sure am,” he said. “I just brought down the value of the dollar another 5 percent.”\n“What?” I said.\n“Oh, just part of our scheme to bring about a global economic depression, so we can conquer the world.”\n“But why?”\n“You humans keep screwing up – violence, pollution, Uwe Boll movies. And if we don’t take over, the unicorns will.”\n“Yeah, right,” I said. “And just how do you plan to do that?”\n“Do you have any idea what the profit margin on shoes is? We pay Indonesian kids about 20 cents an hour and sell them for $150 a pair,” he said. “Collectively, we have the single largest gold holdings on the planet. Ted Turner is really one leprechaun standing on another’s shoulders.”\n“Why are you telling me?”\n“You were just drinking peppermint schnapps mixed with floor polish – who’s going to believe you?”\n“Well, I’ll stop you!” And with that, I picked up a loose paving stone and hit him. But he had turned into a fire hydrant. I got doused with water and arrested for damaging public property.\nBut that has not prevented me from informing the world. We must stop these radical extremists! Pots of gold coins cannot silence the free press! And as long as I’m alive, I’ll ...