Web of corruption

On Friday, the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), reported that the United Nations and Marvel Comics are working together to produce and distribute a comic in which Spider-Man supports UN personnel on aid and peacekeeping missions. The plan is that, once a private source comes up with the money, one million copies of the comic will be distributed to U.S. schoolchildren – not to promote the United Nations (no, of course not), but to “to inform children about UN humanitarian causes.”\nAccording to the BBC, Marvel writers have volunteered to write the story for free – thus, inspired by their generosity, I thought I’d donate some possible storylines:\n•Upon witnessing an elderly lady being mugged, Spider-Man must rush back to the United Nations and solicit Security Council approval before taking action. Three weeks later, at an emergency\nsession, Spider-Man’s proposed resolution is vetoed by China and Russia on the basis that “Perhaps the old biddy deserved it – who are we to say?”\n•Spider-Man’s frustration grows when, responding to an alarm at the First National Bank, he is told that he can only intervene if he has the permission of both the bank employees and the robbers.\n•Two weeks later, after Spider-Man is ordered to “merely observe” another mugging, the fleeing crook is vaporized by a Tomahawk missile. Spider-Man denies phoning the Brussels\nheadquarters of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.\n•A vote in the General Assembly awards the chairmanship of the United Nations’ newly-formed Superhero Affairs\nCouncil to Doctor Doom’s Latveria. Spider-Man is ordered to cease his patrols\nand instead compile regular reports on alleged human rights abuses by the Fantastic Four. Six months later, the Council demands that the International Criminal Court prosecute the Human Torch for “crimes against humanity” after\nhe singes off Mole Man’s eyebrows.\n•The Avengers start snubbing Spider-Man when, after lecturing them for two hours about the importance of fighting crime, he criticizes them for using force in apprehending criminals. However, the United Nations blames the situation on Captain America, despite his currently being dead, saying that “Marvel never permanently kills off anyone.”\n•Spider-Man is ordered to cease production of the fluid for his web-shooters,\nand the job is awarded to a Swiss chemical firm whose vice president for corporate development just happens to be the son of the UN director general for Superhero Affairs. A year-end audit finds that despite the $240 million spent on web-fluid production, shortages have forced Spider-Man to start entangling criminals with fishing nets and lassos.\nBut I’m sure the folks at Marvel can come up with far better plots than these. They, after all, make their living off of fantasy. Rather like the United Nations.