Gilded age

I want to be president. Not because I have a vision for this country, or because I believe in anything, but because the $400,000 annual paycheck would represent a roughly 4,000 percent raise. And you get to live in a swank house. And you get your own stationary. \n“But Brian,” you say, “the primaries are already underway!”\nThat’s okay. I don’t really care which party wants me – before long they both will. I have a foolproof strategy.\nIt’s simple, really. The last presidential election might have seen record turnout among voters aged 18-24, but the non-profit Center for Information and Research on Civic Learning and Engagement, or CIRCLE, reported that this was still only 47 percent of eligible voters from that group, the lowest turnout for any age cohort. Ballots from people 24 and younger represented only nine percent of the total number cast. In short, young people can’t be trusted to vote. \nBut baby boomers can be. CIRCLE’s 45-54 and 55-64 age groups saw 69 percent and 73 percent turnout, respectively, and made up more than 30 percent of total votes cast (according to CNN’s 2004 election statistics).\nThis brings us, then, to my strategy. I call it “hazing the freshmen.”\nIt’s simple, really: I propose to govern purely to the benefit of those, say, 45 and older, and to the detriment of all those younger, excluding myself and those who please me. This may require some Constitutional amendments — but if you, the boomers, stand behind me, there should be nothing that bars our way.\nHere are a few of the things that will become priorities in my administration:\n•A national dress code: Jean waists will rise. Vests shall be sheepskin. Gang colors will be replaced with paisley. All glasses shall be granny. A pair of bell-bottoms in every closet!\n•A return to decent radio: Remember when radio used to be good? Before smutty songs replaced wholesome classics such as, say, Starland Vocal Band’s “Afternoon Delight?” It’s time that James Taylor and Fleetwood Mac took back the airwaves from Disney-fied pop princesses and hip-hop! \n•Security: A national system of vigilant, round-the-clock protection for all lawns.\n•Free, universal health care for everyone 45 years and older. To be paid for by an 85 percent tax burden and utter lack of medical care for anyone younger — if you want medicine, kids, you have to earn it.\n•Environmental protection: All national parks and retirement locations will be carefully maintained — meanwhile, oil drilling will be radically expanded to power our new national fleet of recreational vehicles. As for global warming — so what? Finally, you won’t have to turn up the thermostat.\n•Reformed drug laws: While enforcement against its recreational use will remain strict, marijuana will be legalized for medical use on the federal level. This will be used to treat chronic pain, glaucoma and memories of the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour.\nIn short, your golden years could be a golden age! Vote McFillen in ‘08!