Confessions of a Delivery Driver

I've seen a lot in my line of work. Debauchery, sex, money, food. No, this isn't the latest issue of Hustler. I'm a delivery driver.\nI LOVE MY JOB\nI have the greatest job ever. Something funny happens every day I work. \nWe get the kind of stories you can end with "Dude, that's how pornos start!" \nI don't plan on doing this as a career, but for now, it is definitely the best way to pay my bills.\nWHEN EVERYONE'S DRUNK\nAt 2:30 a.m. when everyone's drunk and I tell someone I'll be there in "two minutes," it usually takes them 15 minutes to come to the door. For some reason, people just don't understand the intricacies of ordering food. I mean, what part of the number two is confusing? Polite drivers will give you 10 minutes to get the food, but I've delivered long enough to understand time really is money. If you take 10 minutes to come down, I've already been gone for five.\nCITIES IN CHINA\nTipping is not a city in China. If you're ordering at three in the morning, this should be your mantra. We get paid a fair rate, but it's not enough to account for gas and repairs. I've had people hand me a $50 bill for a $5 sandwich, and tell me they don't have enough for a tip.\nI LOVE YOU DRUNK PEOPLE\nDrunk people can be the best part of the job. Sometimes they are the best tippers because they don't realize what they are doing. I've had people sign credit card slips for friends and give me $6 tips for $10 orders. I love you, drunk people.\nTHE DORMS\nI remember one of my first deliveries to Forest. I pulled up, and a girl was sitting on a bench, regretting what sounded like a great night. \nI was thinking, "Man I'm glad I'm not her," but before I finished my thought, she puked on the sidewalk. \n"Holy shit that's a lot of…." And before I could finish, she puked again. \n"Holy shit that's a lot of … " and she spewed yet again. \nIf you've ever seen "Team America: World Police," it was kind of like that. But better. \nSMALLWOOD\nI was standing in the doorway of an apartment at Smallwood Plaza while a customer searched for his money. While standing there, I overheard the customer's roommate attempting to recreate a scene from Howard Stern's movie "Private Parts." \nIn the scene, Stern hums into a microphone during a radio broadcast while a female listener straddles her speaker. The vibrations from the speaker cause her to orgasm. \nThe kid at Smallwood decided to have his girlfriend, or a girl he knew, put him on speaker phone while she placed the phone between her legs as he hummed loudly. \nI'm willing to bet it didn't have the same result.\nTHE VILLAS\nAnother driver told me about two girls who flagged him down in the Villas. When he rolled down his window, they flashed him. Then they asked him, "Do you have any breadsticks?" -- which is funny, because we aren't a pizza delivery place. \nThe best part was the driver's description of the faces of the guys those girls were with. They apparently had a look that said, "We're going to have to double bag it tonight."\nSAFE SEX\nA friend from a competing establishment known for its safe-sex views told me stories about how when drivers show up to parties, desperate guys grab them and beg, as if the driver is Jesus reincarnate, for some condoms. \nCHAP STICK\nThen there are drunk girls who answer the doors of their houses wearing only towels. And the girls walking from the bars in their short mini-skirts in 20-degree weather, which makes you wonder if they need chap stick.\nGIGGLING LIKE TEENAGERS\nSometimes when I get really bored while working, I fake a British accent. It's amazing how differently girls react to a guy with a British accent than to a typical American. When a simple country boy from Terre Haute shows up, sometimes they just pay and go. But when the British gent is delivering their sandwich, for some reason three or four girls show up to pick up one sandwich, giggling like teenagers.