Tune out, drop out

As usual, your generation is poised to let everyone down.\nA recent report by the Center for Information and Research on Civic Learning and Engagement and the Charles F. Kettering Foundation has concluded that the Millennial Generation (people born after 1985) is disinterested in national, partisan politics, but is just gagging to get involved with local civic initiatives. The survey of 386 students at 12 campuses, in 47 focus groups found that unlike Generation X – my own generation, surveyed by the Kettering Foundation in 1993 (and given a much better name) – you Millennials are “neither cynical nor highly individualistic” and “seek ways to engage politically,” if not in polarized, party-politics terms.\nNow, I can understand being alienated and wanting to leave the mire of national politics to the low creatures who love to slop around in it. Smart choice – who cares what Congress is bickering about today? But this tendency towards local do-goodery is disturbing.\nAs a member of a secret global consortium of powerful, moneyed elites, I appreciate your getting out of the way when it comes to our efforts to manipulate national and international events to our benefit – best leave things to the knowledgeable (if, evil) experts, after all. But as the late speaker of the House of Representatives, Tip O’Neill, once said: “All politics is local.” And your altruistic efforts to “promote change” and “make a difference” are getting in the way of our plans to build a dystopian world fit for the rule of our shadowy reptilian overlords from beyond the known universe. In other words, you’re acting as the poop in the punch bowl – and while our guests of honor might consume live rats as canapés, I don’t think their palates are quite that flexible.\nThus, we need you to adjust your attitudes.\nThe most important thing you need to understand is that you can’t really change things – nothing important, anyway. Poverty, ignorance, hatred, violence – these have existed since time immemorial (due, in no small part, to our efforts). It’s all human nature – albeit facilitated by the occasional lizardoid-directed intercession. And reading to the blind, raising money to preserve a historical site or organizing a basketball league for disadvantaged youth isn’t going to change that.\nOnce you realize that you can’t change the world, you’ll discover your true number-one priority: individual advancement. Sure, helping people might “feel good,” but so does a vibrating easy chair positioned in front of a 63-inch flat-panel plasma TV. And, believe me, there’s no better friend to have in your corner than a sinister, worldwide network that bends heads of state to its will. (And we’re currently soliciting applications for student interns. Go-getters with experience in spreadsheets and Web design are preferred.)\nFortunately, there is one saving grace to your generation: For all your professed interest in making a difference, many of you never leave your Xboxes and go out to do anything besides getting beer and burritos. And for that, I (and my inhuman masters) thank you.