Cracked cosmos

Apparently, we’re doomed… Again. And this time it’s the astrophysicists’ fault.\nOn Wednesday, the London Telegraph reported that in an upcoming article in New Scientist, physicists Lawrence Krauss and James Dent claim that by observing evidence of dark matter in a 1998 project measuring the light from supernova, scientists might have shortened the lifespan of the universe. They reached this conclusion via a convoluted process of reasoning based on concepts from quantum physics that I am far too stupid to understand, much less explain them to you. All I know is it involves Schrodinger’s cat, the quantum Zeno effect, the universe’s expansion since the Big Bang and the idea that by observing something often enough, you can change its behavior. (Feel free to write in and complain that I’m an idiot for not comprehending all this – as you can see from the mugshot above, I was hired for looks, not brains, anyway.)\nBut I don’t think you have to be a quantum physicist to follow the thought that occurred to me after reading this revelation. I’m not a religious person; however, I’m open to the possibility that there might be a higher power, a divine being, a creator, a god or gods who built and run the celestial clock. And I’m sure he/she/it/they are very impressive if he/she/it/they exist. But if you can break the universe just by measuring some light… Well, that’s some pretty lousy craftsmanship right there, and I think we should demand a refund or replacement.\nLook at it this way: If a gentle summer breeze knocked your house down, would you just shrug and say “Oh well, I guess it wasn’t built to withstand the awesome force of two miles-per-hour winds”? Or how about if it just imploded one day because some physicist looked at it? Hell no! – one call to a lawyer, and you’d have the builders in court for fraud, reckless endangerment and mental anguish.\n“But,” some of you might say, “we didn’t pay anything for this universe – it was a gift.” To that, the answer, quite simply, is “Bull.” We might not have made a monetary payment for this universe (unless you’re Rupert Murdoch) – but we more than earned our place in it through time and labor. We devoted our entire lives to it, taking part in its workings, no matter how inane, and obeying its strict physical laws with little complaint (despite how lame this can’t-go-faster-than-the-speed-of-light malarkey is). Indeed, if humans did break creation by attempting to observe its workings, we did so only in the course of fulfilling our assigned role as a sentient and self-aware bit of the universe – and if the job was left up to, say, comets, banana slugs or boron atoms, they’d do the same thing. \nSo, if the universe is really falling apart, then its time to put our collective foot down: No worship, sacrifices, rituals or devotions until we get a new universe… A better universe… One where columnists are considered sexy.