Break from undergrads

Break doesn’t start until after the last class Tuesday, but this is IU, and that means almost no undergraduate student is going to stick around for one little dollop of education when they could be at home playing “Halo 3” instead of sitting in their dorm room … um … playing “Halo 3.” So, that means that this is a rare opportunity to talk about all the stuff that we can’t discuss when they’re here:\n• For starters, due to cold weather conditions, the Faculty-Administration All-Campus Rave has been moved from the circle around Showalter Fountain to the indoor football practice field at Mellencamp Pavillion. All other plans, however, remain unchanged. Don’t forget to stock up on glowsticks, body paint and vitamin C. And there will be foam cannons, so avoid wearing clothing that might react badly to soap and water. Also, keep in mind that the artificial turf will be slippery. Thanks again to DJ Dean McKaig for turning down the offer of a three-day residency at Ibiza’s famous DC10 to spin for us here in Bloomington.\n• As some of you might have noticed, the north side of the Indiana Memorial Union has begun to sag slightly. This is due to a small leak that has developed behind the bushes next to the IU Bookstore entrance. Thus, over break, the IMU will be shut down briefly for patching and re-inflation. We apologize for the inconvenience, but promise that the Union will be 25 percent more bouncy by next weekend.\n• In other maintenance news, all School of Informatics faculty should report to the Office of Academic Affairs for annual tune-ups and battery replacement. We understand that you’re very busy at this time of year, but this measure is necessary not only to ensure that the school is working at maximum efficiency, but that its warranty is not voided by the manufacturer. And, besides, no one wants to see a repeat of 2005’s “destroy all humans” incident. \n• Without undergrad vehicles clogging the streets and parking lots of Bloomington, starting Tuesday faculty will be able to drive their University-issued Ferraris without fear of scratches or dings. Parking Enforcement will be on the lookout for the best custom job, so get them out there and “flash your pimpitude.”\n• Friday afternoon, join the Department of Facilities in the Arboretum for this year’s ceremony of devotion to Greenus, god of landscaping. An ancient and venerable tradition that ensures the IU campus’ pleasing aesthetic, the ceremony features dancing, costumes, incense and wine spiced with all-natural psychotropic substances. The ritual’s culmination is the sacrifice of a virgin selected at random from the rolls of the University Graduate School. Which department will have the honor of offering up a grad student to secure Greenus’ favor? Only one way to find out!\nAnd with all that covered, everyone should get out there and enjoy their holiday to the fullest possible extent. After all, it’s only a short time until the undergrads return and mess everything up again.