Bowl eligibility isn’t the only thing at stake for the Hoosiers this weekend. \nThe winner of the IU-Michigan State game this Saturday will come away with one of the lesser-known rivalry trophies in college football – the Old Brass Spittoon. In addition to the Old Oaken Bucket (Purdue) and the Bourbon Barrel (Kentucky), the Spittoon is one of three traditional rivalry trophies the Hoosiers still play for. Thanks to IU’s 46-21 victory last season, the Hoosiers are in possession of the Spittoon for the first time since 2001. \nThe Spittoon has about as much meaning as a Thanksgiving wishbone. Do you have any idea how repulsive a 57-year-old tobacco spit pot is? If not, then you haven’t been to Assembly Hall lately. (Am I going to wake up with a dead horse in my bed because of that joke?) \nThis weekend, traveling with spitting receptacle in hand, the Hoosiers will play Michigan State in East Lansing, Mich., with the intent of returning the Spittoon to Bloomington for another year. But in 1991, the Spartans were unsure they’d ever have to relinquish the trophy. \nAfter holding possession of the trophy for the previous four seasons, the Spartans decided to leave the Spittoon at home before their road game in Bloomington, assuming they would retain ownership with an easy victory. \nAs you can guess by me telling this story, the Hoosiers ended up winning the game 31-0. Then IU coach Bill Mallory sent an assistant coach to East Lansing to personally pick it up. If only you could do some version of this with ex-girlfriends. \nIf you haven’t heard of the Old Brass Spittoon, don’t feel bad. I cry, bleed and piss sports, and I hadn’t heard of it before Wednesday. So as a nod to the Spittoon, I’ve come up with several trophy suggestions the Hoosiers should incorporate into their rivalry matchups.
IU vs. University of Louisville – “The Frozen Head of Corso”\nThese two teams are geographically convenient for a rivalry, but they don’t have enough bad blood to make it entertaining. Could a cryogenically frozen head of Lee Corso ignite some fire? ESPN’s College GameDay analyst previously coached at both schools and could serve as the face (literally) of the rivalry.
IU vs. Northwestern University – “The Ol’ Bronze Doormat”\nWhy should the winner always get the trophy? I’m still red with anger over my Gus Macker team coming away with something called the “Toilet Bowl” trophy. The loser of this annual contest should be “awarded” The Ol’ Bronze Doormat, in order to signify who the easiest opponent in the Big Ten really is.
IU vs. University of Iowa – “The End Zone Divot”\nA giant two-foot divot was left in Kinnick Stadium’s end zone after Kellen Lewis went Dominique Moceanu on his front flip. Little does anyone know that an Iowa groundskeeper scooped up the divot and is holding it in an undisclosed location until next year’s showdown.
IU vs. Ole Miss – “The Not Getting Any Younger BenJarvus Green-Ellis Gold Pail”\nIU’s former running back transferred to Ole Miss after his junior season, but his memory will live forever in the form of a competitive pail. I’d like to see the teams bring Green-Ellis back every year to do the honorary coin flip. That or play all-time offense for both teams until he requires a walking cane.
IU vs. Illinois – “The Memorial of Memorial Stadium”\nBoth schools have football stadiums known as “Memorial Stadium.” What better way to settle which one is the real Memorial Stadium than a pointless rivalry trophy game?
IU vs. Miami Dolphins – “The Cam Cameron Hot Seat”\nThese two football teams will forever be connected spiritually thanks to the almighty power and incompetence of Cam Cameron. The winner of the annual contest should receive “The Cam Cameron Hot Seat” while the loser would be plagued with another season led by “Coach Cameron.”
Prediction: Indiana 34, Michigan State 21
