Heed the call

In 2003, millions of people placed their phone numbers on the federal “Do Not Call” list to prevent telemarketers from contacting them. What many might not realize, however, is that membership on the list must be renewed after five years – and that if they don’t re-register by going to http://www.donotcall.gov or by calling 1-888-382-1222, their numbers will become publicly available again.\nThus, this seems like an appropriate time to issue a plea from the bottom of my heart to you, the good men and women of America: Please, please, please don’t renew your status on the “Do Not Call” list! If you do, you’ll never find out about the exciting offers that I have for you.\nFor example, how will you ever find out about my low, low prices on quality aluminum siding? Or get a free estimate from one my highly trained customer service representatives? Or take advantage of the fast installation provided by my national network of professional, licensed, non-organized-crime-affiliated contractors? Or, for that matter, receive a five-year guarantee* against rusting, bowing, cracking or peeling? (*Disclaimer: five year guarantee not guaranteed for five years.) Right now, you might have no idea what some rugged, stylish aluminum siding could do for the property value of your home, apartment or dorm room – and you never will, if you put your number on that list.\nAnd if you sign up to the “Do Not Call” list, you’ll never find out about all the exciting singles just waiting to talk to you for the bargain price of $3.99 for the first minute, and 99 cents for each additional minute. Lonely? Disappointed with the bar scene? Just can’t seem to meet the right person? You could be poised to meet fun, local singles just like yourself – as long as you stay off the list. But, then again, maybe you’re happy with the prospect of dying alone.\nAnd, really, are you happy with your long distance phone service? How do you know that you’re getting the lowest rates for calls to United States and Canada? Does your long-distance plan truly fit with your lifestyle? Does it offer you competitive rates on nights and weekends? If you love your friends and family, I think you’ll want to hear about any opportunity to talk to them for longer – but, hey, that’s just me. \nFinally, if you won’t stay off the list for your own sake or mine, do it for the fine people of Vientiane, Laos. I have established a call center in downtown Vientiane with the finest international staff available (for about 36 cents an hour). Why, you ask? No, not to take advantage of the political oppression or dubious enforcement of workers’ rights laws – rather, it’s to serve you better. I have heard your complaints about telemarketers calling during dinner time – when someone phones around 5 to 7 p.m., no product sounds good. Fortunately, Vientiane is 12 hours ahead of the eastern U.S. Eastern Time Zone – putting Laotian dinner at 5 to 7 a.m. our time. You should be home around then, right?