General folly

In case you care, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned.\nIt’s hard to believe that Democrats and Republicans could agree on anything other than their personal pay raises, especially with elections right around the corner. Nevertheless, donkeys and elephants in Congress have, in recent weeks, become increasingly united on the topic with which they seem most enthralled: disparaging Mexicans (or at least Gonzales). After all, isn’t that the utility of Congress? Creating frivolous laws that mandate the construction of massive fences to keep out the riff raff... Sounds pretty important, right? Given the recent Congressional tendency to dislike everything to the north or south, it’s a wonder Gonzales was ever confirmed in the first place. \nThe country now waits in eager anticipation – or rather, with a drunken amusement – for the naming of Gonzales’ successor. That unfortunate soul will be forced to endure a little more than a year of miserable torture in a job no one wants. The position will, most decidedly, become vacant once again in January 2009 when President Bush leaves office. Keep in mind the most masculine attorney general of the last 50 years was, by far, Janet Reno, at least as she was depicted on Saturday Night Live. Who would want that job?\nI’ll tell you who: me.\nPublic officials are all too mundane when offering their inevitable resignation letters. There’s always a predictable mention of “moving to another chapter in life” or, worse, “spending more time with family.” That’s more or less the tone The Emperor ... er ... Karl Rove took several weeks back when he announced his upcoming departure from the White House staff. \nRight now you’re thinking several things. First, you’re shocked that Karl Rove has a family, thus making him, in theory, capable of expressing love. But don’t be too taken aback. Even aliens can reproduce. Second, you’re wondering why I, Scott Leadingham, would make a worthy candidate for public office. \nUnlike Rove, or Gonzales or any other of the cadre of recently departed politicos, I would never let family or any other watered-down excuse be the reason I resign. In fact, it’s a safe bet that I’d wish to stay in office to spend less time at home. For practice, let’s try a resignation of my own, free of the typical poppycock seen in most letters:\nDear Readers,\nIt is with great joy that I announce to you my resignation from this newspaper. My time here has not been memorable. In fact, it has been rather deplorable. So long and good riddance, I say, to the worst office in the world. Furthermore, there is no sadness in leaving you, dear readers. You are, by far, the scum of the earth. The only people I dislike more than you are my family members, who I must now unfortunately take on vacation.\nSee, the truth hurts. However, I’m willing to bet Washington, D.C., will do well to have an honest go-getter like myself in the role of Attorney General. Too bad I’ll be leaving next January.