University of Nevada to arm professors

Universities across the country have been feeling the effects of the Virginia Tech shootings. Last month Notre Dame announced it would install an emergency communications system that would send voice and text messages to students in the event of an armed intruder on campus. But we’re not sure how effective that will be. Instead, we should lock our scopes on the solution proposed by the University of Nevada.\nNevada’s Board of Regents is entertaining the idea of deputizing professors by paying for them to attend a 21-week police academy with the intention of allowing the program graduates to carry loaded and concealed weapons. This system would provide cover-fire for students in the event of all-out urban combat erupting in Vegas \nor Reno. \nAs brilliant as the plan is, many faculty members, administrators and students oppose it on safety and ethical grounds. That could make finding able-bodied volunteers difficult in the ever-aging, ever-liberalizing university environment. \nThis is why IU’s very own Armament Initiative should be mandatory to facilitate exterminating the threat of unruly pre-frosh or an angry mob brandishing razor-sharpened pencils and \nsubmachine guns.\nIU could become a violence-free environment with a cautious plan for campus-wide armament. First, vehicular checkpoints akin to the Green Zone will ensure only persons on official business or members of IUForce will be granted access to campus. Similarly, pedestrian access points will be outfitted with turnstiles and retinal identification systems. And finally, lanyard IDs will be standard for access to all University buildings.\nBesides prohibiting loose access to the campus, the security initiative should also include student-wide gun ownership and concealment. It’s not enough to simply trust a professor with a handgun to take out a rampaging student. Neither is it satisfactory to have a sniper perched in the back of each lecture hall. Student involvement is key. As we all know, large groups of people capable of violence often make completely appropriate decisions in times of stress, so the University would benefit from an armed \nstudent body. \nDue to the amount of training needed to operate a missile-launcher or a sniper rifle, it will be necessary to create an orientation program for incoming freshman where they can learn these techniques. The rest of the University community will require an online course and three-hour service in proper technique, while all advanced weaponry will be available through electives \nfor students.\nOther changes will have to be made to ensure the safety of the campus, such as an armed nuclear missile silo for the sake of mutually-assured destruction with Purdue.\nIn the case of an actual emergency, students would respond to all threats in the vicinity with the trigger-happy abandon you’ve come to expect from law enforcement. Faculty members, on the other hand, would specialize in crowd control tactics, so expect tear gas. (Don’t worry, if the students remember their training, they’ll have brought their gas masks). But if a worst case scenario arises, like a ground and air invasion, Fort Ballantine should provide ample protection from the Napalm strike until control can be firmly re-established.