The Olsen twins just turned 21...

I have noticed a void in my life lately. The Olsen twins who used to solve crimes before dinner time and fill my life with Michelle Tanner hilarities every week have dropped off the face of the earth.

To be honest, I'm pretty irritated that the most significant TV twins in my life have disappeared. The fact that I have to do research to find out what the Olsen twins are up to is pathetic. Where are the movies? Where are the songs? Why can't I go buy a copy of "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's 21st Birthday Party" at Target?

That's because there isn't one. It's high time we had a little pep talk with the Olsen twins. Since money probably isn't any motivation anymore -- they were listed as the top earners under 21 in Forbes magazine this year -- I think they could use a loyal fan and devoted friend like me to let them know what it takes to get their lives back on track. After all, I've been there all along -- our birthdays are less than three months apart -- and I would bet money that I have seen each and every "Full House" episode more times than Mary-Kate has been checked into rehab.

Now that that's out of the way, it's time to focus on how to get the beloved twins out of their slump. First of all, (and there's really no way say this nicely) the Olson twins have lost what many people like to call their natural beauty. Not eating, smoking and rumored drug use has caused two sweet little blonde girls to morph into workaholics who wear more eyeliner daily than I've put on my face in my entire life.

Next, it's time to go grocery shopping. Hey, Mary-Kate, it's OK not to be a size 2 anymore (I speak from experience). Being crazy skinny is so high school, and since you never even went to high school, I say it's okay to have a steak for dinner. Heck, go crazy and skip right to dessert. I know it's rough eating three full meals a day, but your face might actually look like more than skin and bones.

Once their appearances are back in order, it's time to focus on the acting. It's clear from their former movies like "New York Minute" and "Winning London" (both of which I watched while baby sitting children), that it's just not working out for them. Their golden years of acting peaked around age 7. Now that they're 21, it's clear that their reputation has suffered from trying to market themselves as children for far too long.

The good news for the twins is that they seem to have realized the best thing for their movie careers: having separate ones. Mary-Kate is reportedly ditching Ashley to co-star in at least 10 episodes of Showtime's "Weeds." Her role is supposedly a serious one, and Ashley should follow with her own movie or TV appearances playing less family-friendly roles. It would give the twins a chance to explore acting outside of being "the Olsen twins," which is definitely what they need right now. Or at least they can get to the point where I can tell them apart at a glance. If either of them can pull it off, their reputation will have a chance of being salvaged.

That said, I have my doubts that either Mary-Kate or Ashley could pull off a difficult role. If a more serious acting career doesn't work out, I say go back to being the wholesome Olsen twins that used to be in my life. The ones that seem to have an awesomely bad air about them that I still can't get enough of. I, for one, still own both cassette tapes that are hardly dust-covered from frequent listen.

If you're still questioning my validity in telling the Olsen twins what to do, you must consider how many videos I've watched (uncountable). Beyond that, I own the original "Brother for Sale" and "I am the Cute One" audio cassette tapes at home, the "Full House" board game, and once sang "Mom's Song" -- a song from their first album -- as a solo on Mother's Day at church as a kid.

So Mary-Kate and Ashley, you might be bar-hopping 21-year-olds now, but I miss the old days. Asking me to watch you on "Full House" for eight seasons, go on adventures with you, and even inviting me to your very first sleepover party made me think we were friends. So please, Mary-Kate and Ashley. Dust yourselves off, take a few singing lessons, and let's have another adventure... Soon.