Dear Purdue University,
We regret to inform you that IU athletics was not up to par this season and was unable to defeat you in the Crimson and Gold Cup, a loss to which you have grown accustomed. While we were able to defeat you in the last two competitions, this year we simply could not win, as was intended. We apologize for the lack of competition.\nUpon splitting the points in the annual competition for outdoor athletics (PU taking the win in the men’s track and field, and IU in women’s track and field), the season ended with the score of the head-to-head competition being 10.5 to 9.5 in your favor. Congratulations are no doubt in order. We hope that you receive some.\nWe are also required to inform you that we will now be pushing for an investigation of the coal being used aboard the Boiler Express (that train you all ride around in). We have determined that to defeat us, you must have used some sort of steroid product in the engine, along with the normal fuel. You will be hearing from the league office, who will want full access to the train. If you are found guilty, we hope that the Boiler Express is impounded and that the conductor is arrested. It would serve both right.\nAlso, we demand to be given Purdue Pete’s sledge hammer. We will cut it open and check to make sure there is no cork inside the handle. As you know, a corked hammer is a stronger hammer and illegal by Crimson and Gold Cup standards. Guilt will result in the banning of Pete from all further Crimson and Gold competition. We also wish to check his hard hat for Vaseline.\nBesides informing you of these upcoming inquiries, this letter is also to provide another explanation for our loss. It is apparent that the days when fire shot out of the eyes of Bobby Knight, setting the entire West Lafayette campus ablaze and causing months of hardship after his visit, are long gone. It will not be long, however, before Kelvin Sampson gains enough jaw muscle to eat both your men’s and women’s basketball teams in one bite. The rest of your athletic teams will be dessert.\nWe have decided to keep the traveling trophy awarded to the winner of the competition annually in anticipation that we will return to victory next year. We find it highly improbable that you will win again, considering the Cream and Crimson spirit could beat up the Black and Gold spirit in a fight any day of the week. If you want it that bad, you’ll have to figure out yourself how to get it. It should be an easy task if you’re up to par academically. You are rocket scientists, after all.\nAs you wait in anticipation of defending your title next year (pending the results of the investigations mentioned above), know that you are already at a disadvantage because we do not intend to lose twice in a row. In short, your fluke of a victory will be short lived before you’re defeated next season. Questioning our sportsmanship after reading this far? Cry us a river and go back to Little League.
Sincerely,\nJacob Stewart\nHoosier at Heart\nUnofficial and self-proclaimed spokesman for Indiana University
