The Oscars: the good, the bad and Jennifer Hudson

Last Sunday night, America wasn’t participating in a war or contributing to a debate on gay marriage. America wasn’t feeling the effects of global warming or developing new immigration laws. America wasn’t rallying against abortion or campaigning for its first black president. For one night, America stood united.\nWell, it didn’t so much “stand,” but it sat on its ass united and watched really, really attractive people win awards for movies no one saw.\nUnfortunately, this year’s Oscars were pretty much a snoozefest, barring a few exceptions. First of all, Ellen DeGeneres, the show’s host and our nation’s lesbian mascot, officially announced her candidacy for the “Most Suits Owned by a Female” award. She’s pitted against Diane Keaton and it’s going to be a tough one.\nAnother great facet of the show was the sound effects choir. Can you imagine how those people introduce themselves at parties? “I played ‘Raindrop No. 1796’ in a poorly executed film montage at the Oscars. What have you ever done?”\nBut, of course, one part of the Oscars is never a bore: the worst-dressed list. In fact, I think more celebrity events should have a worst-dressed list, like AIDS awareness dinners or breast cancer benefits. There’s nothing like discouraging attendance for a good cause.\nBut before I get to the real goods, I guess I’ll start with the best-dressed Hollywood hotties of this year’s show. First of all, I have seriously been thinking about changing my sexual orientation after seeing Penelope Cruz in her feathery, pink Versace gown. She gets my best-dressed award for this year. Who cares if you can never tell what she’s saying? \nAlso, Reese Witherspoon has never looked better in a tiered, purple Nina Ricci gown and a fresh, sun-kissed face. (Looks like she and Britney Spears are having vastly different reactions to their very public breakups. Reese wants to cut Ryan Philippe out of her life; Brit wants to cut hair out of her life.)\nAnd I could not forget Helen Mirren – aka The Queen – rockin’ a sparkly Christian LaCroix dress at age 61. Her skinny ass is bringing anorexia back to the old age home and let me say, it is about time. Senior citizens can have willpower and self-esteem issues just like the rest of us.\nAn honorable mention is also getting thrown out there for Jessica Biel and her bright pink Oscar de la Renta gown, but she didn’t make the top three because “7th Heaven” is still on the air and I think we’ve all been punished enough.\nFinally, it’s time for the disappointments.\nIt was nice of Cameron Diaz to show up, despite undergoing recovery from an intense race reassignment surgery. Wait, what’s that? She was just that tan? I guess I don’t blame her, though; just watching “The Holiday” made me want to run and hide. She just has enough money to hide where it’s tropical. (P.S. Her dress wasn’t so great, either.)\nNext we have Kirsten Dunst, who would wear a dress made of hot dogs and twisty-ties if it said Chanel on the label. Her seafoam-green-colored dress had a collar and cap sleeves (which is just as sexy as it sounds) and really did wonders for her ghastly complexion. And wasn’t it Marie Antoinette who said “Let them eat cake and stop wearing seafoam”? That’s just tasteless.\nBut no one can compare to this year’s Oscar miracle baby, Jennifer Hudson. Her brown Oscar de la Renta gown was actually quite fabulous and flattering, but she ruined it with a snakeskin bolero jacket that had teeth and looked as if it was going to swallow her face all night. Jennifer, why would you want to smuggle in your extra party guests when your boobs got their own invitation in the mail? I know you said that there’s no no no no way you’re living without me, but if we have to be together, please just remove that Godforsaken shrug of yours.