That's 'soy' gay!

The secret is out. I'd hoped my people would keep it under wraps a little bit longer, but unfortunately James Rutz, the founder and chairman of Open Church Ministries, let the cat out of the bag. The all-powerful weapon for advancing the gay agenda is soy.\nSoy is apparently a pretty potent plant. Rutz said it's a "slow poison" that "severely damages" our children and even worse, threatens to "tear apart our culture." It seems that for Rutz, soybeans bring new meaning to the term "bioterror" (which means the soybean has now officially become a member of the axis of evil).\nHere's how soy works: It's rainbow magic (at least in Mr. Rutz's world). Soybean products are feminizing because they contain chemicals that the body treats like estrogen. Eating large amounts of soy products is apparently the equivalent to flooding your body with estrogen. So for men, this estrogen surplus "suppresses masculinity" and stimulates our "female side," thereby making us gay.\nIf estrogen is the evil soy substance that feminizes men, then Rutz doesn't explain sufficiently where lesbians come from. Certainly he must believe that the extra boost of "femininity" from soy would be detrimental to lesbian formation! Perhaps he'll soon report that rather than eating tofu with a side of soy milk, lesbians eat too much beef and pork and maybe munch an occasional buffalo testicle as an afternoon snack for an extra dose of testosterone.\nBut Rutz's primary concern over the evils of soy -- and its power to destroy the country -- centers on soy converting men, not women, to the pink side. Maybe he's just one of those homophobes who doesn't mind as much if he has to watch two women kissing.\nReading his alarmist warning, I wondered where I fit into his little theory. I grew up on a very meat and potatoes kind of diet. I'm quite sure the words "soy" or "tofu" were never uttered in my house until well after I went to college. Nevertheless, here I am chasing boys. Interestingly, I only switched to a largely soy-based diet seven years after I came out. So which came first? The soy or the gay?\nBut we have precious little time to ponder this question because the threat doesn't end with male homosexuality (although that is presumably the primary factor that will "tear apart" culture as we know it). Soybean products also lead to a "decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion," and a diminished sex drive. And here we were thinking foolishly that our major social problems were an unjust war, poverty and global warming. I, for one, am thankful that Rutz has called our attention to this serious threat.\nSo please, check the ingredient list on your energy bars and think twice before you order your next soy latte or pad thai with tofu. The future of our culture rests on your decision!\nAnd for my sake, choose the soy.