Gays can't adopt whales

According to a recent announcement by Chris McJesus, founder of the Catholic Ocean Conservation Society (COCS), this entire organization will shut down -- immediately -- if new anti-discrimination laws are passed that allow sodomites to begin adopting whales.\n"Homosexuals have no right adopting," McJesus says. "All they want to do is kill the whales and turn them into cosmetics. Either that or they have some sort of perverse plans for the blowholes. It's sickening."\nMcJesus began this organization aimed at "saving the whales" -- both literally and spiritually -- in 1972. There are currently 1,275 whales in the adoption program, most of whom were orphaned after a group of lesbian huntresses invented the harpoon in the late 1960s. \n"After reading the story of Jonah, I developed a deep appreciation for all sea mammals," McJesus explains. "If they're mentioned positively in the Bible, then that means they should be protected -- not only from poachers and fishermen, but from the butt-crunchers."\nAccording to the company brochure, for a charitable payment of just $25 "humans can help prevent the extinction of these endangered creatures." By "humans," however, they of course mean heterosexuals. \n"Two men cannot be a mother to these whales," McJesus says, "It's impossible. What happens when the whale gets her first period? Who's going to teach her about the whale-gina? These sodomites can only offer kelp, not help."\nIndeed, COCS has a strict anti-homo adoption policy. These regulations are based on the disturbing findings of numerous gay-adoption studies, which reveal that whales adopted by sodomites turn out predominantly deranged and unstable.\n"Look at what happened to Free Willy," McJesus says, "He was raised by a couple of bum-ticklers and now he's a pedophile -- letting young boys with Disney mullets grab his tail and ride him bareback. That's why we shot that blubbery bastard and fed it to Bill O'Reilly -- intestines and all."\nIn his book "From 'Brokeback' to Humpback: Why Queers Make Crappy Parents," author Nathan Hanswagal explains the dangers of homosexual adoption. \n"Gay people are diseased," Hanswagal writes. "It's as simple as that. They have a chemical imbalance, causing them to say no to vaginas and yes to glitter. It's a debilitating, biological sickness." \n"Just think about it," Hanswagal continues. "You wouldn't let Michael J. Fox hold a Faberge egg, so why would you let a sodomite adopt a whale? These animals may be strong in stature, but they're weak with moral persuasion. Shamu, for instance, was recently arrested for dealing LSD." \nSome suspect that sodomites -- in their devilishly anal ways -- want to adopt whales merely to legitimize their sex-crazy, gay marriages. \n"Jesus may walk on water," McJesus says, "but he cares about what's underneath. As a devout Catholic, it's my job to ignore my better judgment and hate homosexuals for no reason whatsoever. It's God's will."\nWith such stern beliefs, the foundation is threatening to take drastic preventative measures to prevent homosexual adoption, including closing the ocean and kidnapping Bette Midler. \n"Although homosexuals may love cocks," McJesus says, "COCS hates homosexuals"