Another awful parody

"Epic Movie," the sixth installment in the "Movie" series, uses the familiar formula of loosely basing the plot off a popular movie and then parodying dozens of other films along the way. Going into "Epic Movie," you already know it's not going to have the best acting in the world, and you can be pretty certain it won't snag any Oscars for best director either. So, really there is only one way to judge it: Is it funny? Unfortunately for me and about 100 other paying customers that night in the theater, it isn't. In fact, "Epic Movie" finds a way to make "Scary Movie" look like a cinematic masterpiece.\n"Epic Movie" is mostly based off "The Chronicles of Narnia." It centers around four orphans who are unknowingly related. They all meet at Willy Wonka's factory. Wonka is played by Crispin Glover, who, if you don't remember was the guy in "Willard" and the dad in "Back to the Future." I already find him to be one of the scariest guys in Hollywood besides Steve Buscemi, so Glover dressed as Wonka was pretty damn frightening. The entire opening scene is more vulgar than anything. Wonka ends up ripping parts of the orphans' bodies off to add to the chocolate. I kept asking myself throughout the scene, is this supposed to be funny? Vulgarity ends up being a theme throughout the movie. I feel like the writers said, "Let's just put some gross stuff in here since we can't think of anything funny for this scene."\nThere are some mildly amusing parts though. The "MTV Cribs" parody isn't laugh-out-loud funny, but you don't want to add your eyes to Wonka's chocolate either. The great impressionist Darrell Hammond lends his services to play Jack Swallows, a knockoff of Jack Sparrow, and as always, Hammond does the impression dead on. The problem is that there are so few funny parts that the script should probably just be cut into five or six skits for "Mad TV."\n"Epic Movie" has some known but not well-known actors in it. Kal Penn (Kumar), Jennifer Coolidge (Stiffler's mom), and Carmen Electra all star in it, and the writer's milk their small amount of star power as much as they can. Penn's character sees a White Castle and says: "I think I've been there before." Coolidge is actually referred to as Stiffler's mom, which just emphasizes how obvious and played out this idea is. I guess it doesn't make sense to ask for originality from a movie that parodies others, but when you can see the jokes coming, it's hard to find them funny. \n"Epic Movie" did have some humorous parts, but not enough to make up for the 87 minutes of pain. Besides the sixth-graders who sat behind me, who were crying with laughter, it was mostly awkward silence from the audience. If you liked "Date Movie," it doesn't matter; you still won't like "Epic Movie"