Too cocky for the cross-walk

A very disturbing precedent was set earlier this month when Tufts University professor Felipe Fernandez-Armesto was released from Atlanta police custody only eight hours after making a mockery of America and everything this nation represents. We strongly believe that jaywalking should carry a mandatory minimum sentence of 40 years in isolation. \nAn expert in colonial, environmental and Spanish history, Fernandez-Armesto was in Atlanta for a conference held by the American History Association. According to the British Broadcasting Corp. and other news outlets, the professor from Tufts University in Boston was arrested following an altercation with "a rather intrusive young man," who turned out to be the heroic officer Leonpacher. \nThe officer, whom Fernandez-Armesto maintains was out of uniform, and thus indistinguishable from any other "intrusive young man," warned him to cross the street at a crosswalk. The professor "thanked (the officer) for his advice and went on," brazenly disregarding the foundation of civilized society, as described in Appendix 5 of Article 8, Section 3 of the Geneva Conventions: "to prevent acts of pedestrian aggression towards chrome fenders, their history, and their culture all streets shall be crossed via designated channels."\nWhen Officer Leonpacher approached Fernandez-Armesto and asked for identification, the former Oxford don asked the same of him. Well, the professor must have had a condor egg omelet with a side of dolphin bacon for breakfast because karma was out to get him that day. The ordinarily sane and rational member of law enforcement exploded with the righteous fury of God's own thunder. Like a catastrophic force of nature -- an earthquake-causing hurricane, if you will -- Leonpacher kicked the legs out from under professor Fernandez-Armesto and "confiscated his box of peppermints." \nAstonishingly, according to the BBC, five officers were needed to overpower the wily professor, a testament to how dangerous the jaywalkers really are. In fact, there's reason to believe that Africanized killer bees are attracted to the pheromones released during a jaywalk. Despite volumes of scientific research attesting to the dangers of jaywalking, a pseudo-accurate survey found that 96 percent of Americans have jaywalked in the last three months; nearly 58 percent reported jaywalking near schools and around "impressionable young children." \nRecreational jaywalking is up 20 percent over the last decade, and addiction has skyrocketed. These statistics are particularly unnerving in the light of a "totally legit" study that proved jaywalking is a "gateway misdemeanor." As jaywalkers mature, they turn to more destructive criminal behavior, like walking a dog without a leash, backing the family car out of the driveway or conducting domestic wiretaps without a warrant. \nTo find the big time criminals we need to sift out the petty thugs, vandals and jaywalkers. Officer Leonpacher's excessively violent courage to enforce both big laws and little ones with an iron fist is an inspiration to law enforcement. It seems abundantly clear that only a man of his intensity can ever hope to win the global battle to end human traffic obstructions. Thus, we call on the IU Police Department to tackle any and all rogue jaywalking professors to protect us from the consequences of such atrocities