Everyone remembers what they were doing the moment they heard that Kevin Federline was recording his own album. I was purchasing a new platinum chain shaped like a dollar sign... or maybe I was in the fast lane getting my smash on. I could've been skatin' off in my 'rari. I actually don't remember. \n(Warning: If you have a problem with abbreviating Kevin Federline to K-Fed, shield your eyes.) \nK-Fed, lovingly known as Mr. Britney Spears, actually has an album. Playing with Fire dropped last week, and the world exhaled. There was just one problem (yes, only one). His debut single "PopoZao" was cut from the album! \nThe song seeped into pop culture via a classic video of Federline rocking out to his own song that you can find anywhere on the Internet. Now he's claiming this track was a joke. I wasn't laughing. Besides being the jam of the year, "PopoZao" changed my life. \nBut before I delve into the importance and cultural significance of the anthem of our generation that is "PopoZao," I will point out the few redeeming qualities of Playing with Fire sans a Brazilian booty shaker. Confused fans everywhere finally know the truth about Federline. He's not your brother. He's not your uncle. He's your daddy. \nAt least that's what he tells us in the song "Y'all Ain't Ready." \nAnd some of the lyrics just speak to you in a way no other art form can speak. They tug at your heart and your mind and, most importantly, your soul. Like these lyrics from the song "Privilege:" \n"I got Gucci on, she got Prada/ She calls me daddy, but she's not my daughter/ And I'm not her father, I'm just a mack/ I got tired of drugs, so I switched to rap, like that." \nK-Fed doesn't pretend he can't hear you mocking him. He has a track titled "America's Most Hated." K-Fed has feelings, too. He's a regular human being with access to millions of dollars who chain-smokes at Denny's just like you and me. The naysayers only "hate" on him because they're jealous of his success. In "Lose Control" he says, "Don't hate 'cuz I'm a superstar ... and I married a superstar." \nYes, he did marry a superstar. Even though B. Spears already had a 1999 hit single "Crazy," she is featured on K-Fed's own "Crazy," a tune that could also be titled, "I Guess This is Why a Rich Pop Star Would Marry a White Trash Backup Dancer." In the song Britney's raspy vocals croon, "And they say I'm crazy for loving you." \nIf you'll excuse me, I need to pause for just a moment and write an open letter to Britney Spears.
Dear Britney Spears,\nPlease stop having babies and get your music career back on track. The world needs you ... I need you.\nLove, \nJoanna
I'm really digressing. Anyway, taking the "PopoZao" off a K-Fed album is like removing the Brazilian, booty-shaking cherry from atop a hot fudge sundae. It's wrong. \nAll I really need to know I learned from "PopoZao." \nThe word is supposedly Portuguese slang of some sort. According to K-Fed, PopoZao means "bring your ass on the floor, and move it real fast." I searched for "PopoZao" on Google Scholar and found nothing. It probably wasn't the right place to look, but the meaning of the word itself isn't important. The song is what taught me six major lessons I needed to survive:\n1. It's important to learn a foreign language.\nIf I had long enough arms I would give the world a hug. But since my arms are regular-sized, learning a foreign language is the closest I can come to that gesture. K-Fed emphasizes the importance of enriching your mind and reaching out to other cultures by recording a song with the tangy Portuguese flavor. \n2. Persistence is crucial for success.\nK-Fed says "toy all your thing on me" at least 30 times in the song that reminds us all that you have to stick with whatever you're doing even if that means repeating it over and over again. If you're selling Girl Scout cookies, just think "toy all your thing on me" and go ring another doorbell. I don't care if you've been going door-to-door all afternoon. You don't sell the most cookies in your troop by stopping at 25 "toy all your thing on me's." \n3. Don't do a half-assed job.\nRemember, the lyric is "toy ALL your thing on me," not just some of it. \n4. Money isn't everything.\nWhen K-Fed says, "Girl, don't you worry about all the dough, because a cat is coming straight out of the know," it reminds us that we shouldn't let money control our lives. There are more important things in life, like Brazilian booty. \n5. Newton's Laws of motion.\nI used to struggle with the principles of physics, but thanks to K-fed, I finally understand. When K-Fed tells us to work it to the funky sound, he tells us to work it up, down and all around -- which is just a friendly reminder that if an object is moving at a constant speed or velocity, it will continue at that speed unless acted upon by some force along the line of motion. \n6. Ask, and you shall receive.\nK-Fed asks you to bring that Brazilian booty on the floor. You can't have what you don't ask for. \nSee? The world never needed to hear K-Fed rap, but what it does need is a little "PopoZao"
