Hail hail, to the Victims valiant

It could be the greatest game in Hoosier football history -- a victory against No. 2 Michigan that would secure both a bowl berth and a blurry Bloomington night. \nBut it won't be. \nInstead, the IU football team is likely to receive a beating in Bloomington that will leave it bruised \nThis column will not be full of what-if's for Saturday's soon-to-be slaughtering of the IU football team. I stopped showing up to my own IU football dreams when the Hoosiers didn't show up to last week's Minnesota massacre. That game, which should have locked a sixth win and a bowl game, instead locked the chances that this will be year No. 13 of a bowl-barren season in Bloomington. \nThen again, the Hoosiers could stir up success against Michigan. But if it comes early and in the form of a fight, Bloomington beware. A fight brewed before kickoff last season in Ann Arbor, Mich. IU punched first with a touchdown. The Wolverines responded with a crotch-kicking 41 points, leaving the Hoosiers down and drawing for air. If last week's 63-26 beat-down is any indicator, let's take a DeLorean and blast to the future matchup against Purdue Nov. 18.\nWhat is a columnist to do? I'll leave the sarcasm for the sad. I'll leave the delusions to the Republicans, and I'll leave the miracles to Moses. Instead, I have resorted to cinemantics. \n"Cinemantics?" you're wondering aloud. Yes, reader, particular semantics of popular cinematic moments. I have resorted to cinemantics, and as such, if IU beats Michigan, I'm going streaking ... right down Kirkwood Avenue. I will be as nuts and as nude as Will Ferrell, but I won't be stopping for KFC.\nHowever, if IU does beat Michigan, the rest of the collegiate football community will see us as party crashers. While the S.S. IU will be motor-boating its way to a bowl game, we will have spoiled next week's No. 1 Ohio State versus No. 2 Michigan game, which will likely decide the rest of the BCS picture. \nBut the truth is that both teams are looking beyond Saturday's game. Michigan is ready for a melee matchup against Ohio State in Columbus, Ohio. The Hoosiers sealed their fate after the aforementioned 63-26 ass-kicking. It's now in the hands of their final regular-season game versus Purdue. Of course, the difference is that Michigan can afford to look past us, but IU cannot look past any opponent. \nSo expect a Wolverine whooping, the Earth to remain round, Hell to remain hot and pigs to remain on the ground. Expect the ordinary, not the extraordinary. Expect the best from IU, but expect even better from the Wolverines. \nAs I stated earlier, this could be the greatest game in Hoosier history. But it won't be. It will once more give Hoosiers cause to hide their heads in red Solo cups and refried bean chili bowls. Yet the IU loss to Michigan, whether it is by seven or 70 points (keep laughing, you'll see) will put the Hoosiers' hopes behind the eight-ball, inches from erasing one of the more interesting IU football seasons in recent history.\nYes, sir, all hail the Hoosiers. Hail, hail to the victims!