Texting an S.O.S.

The good news: IU scored 17 unanswered points against Wisconsin on Saturday. \nThe bad news: Wisconsin was winning the game 52-0 at the time.\nSorry, IU, that joke was too easy. And this game, like the last, was a joke. We were playing checkers on Wisconsin's chessboard. \nThe debacle was aired nationally on ESPN2. Not only did the state of Indiana see Saturday's game, but households across the continental United States were exposed to IU football.\nI should know. I've got the text messages to prove it. \n"IU is on TV in New Jersey! How exciting!" -- my mother at kickoff.\n"Did you know that your school has a football team?" -- my grandfather (14-0, Wisconsin).\nThat text message was followed shortly by:\n"Apparently we don't have a football team" -- my friend Alex (21-0).\n"Uncle Jesse is kicking our ass right now" -- my roommate Louie (21-0).\nYes, he is, Louie. Wisconsin quarterback John "Stamos" Stocco threw for 304 yards and three touchdowns against an outcoached and outplayed IU defense. \n"Why is everyone in the crowd wearing the color gray on TV?" -- my mother (21-0). \nThey're not, Mom. That's the color of the granite bleachers.\n"Someone should tell IU that the game has started" -- my brother Ryan (28-0).\nAt this point in the game, Pittsburgh Steelers' quarterback "Big Ben" Roethlisberger -- a former player of IU coach Terry Hoeppner -- is being interviewed by a reporter on the sidelines.\n"Big Ben is at the game! Get me an autograph!" -- my sister (28-0).\nNo. But I will buy him a shot at Kilroy's later. Oh yes, I will.\n"Do you think this game reminds Big Ben of a motorcycle accident?" -- my brother Ryan (28-0).\nThat was my favorite text message of the game. Big Ben still hasn't recovered from that catastrophe; will the Hoosiers recover from theirs?\n"So ... we really are this bad" -- my roommate Chris (35-0).\n"Hey! Basketball tickets are on sale right now. Let's go!" -- my roommate Louie (42-0).\nYep, when the score is 42-0, it's about that time to remind students that Hoosier Hysteria is a week from Friday.\n"I'm gonna fart on your face when you get home" -- my roommate Brad (45-0).\nWow. These are my roommates.\n"I'm not near a TV. What's the score?" -- my dad (52-0).\nOh, it's only 52-0, Dad. It's one of those "I wish I had stayed in bed" games.\n"Indiana, Oh Indiana ... Indiana, you're awful, too!" -- my friend Elliot, who goes to Illinois (52-0).\nA fun play on words using the Indiana fight song. Nice job, Elliot.\n"Someone should tell Wisconsin that they won the game two hours ago" -- my roommate Chris (52-0). \n"Hey! You guys scored a field goal!" -- my mom (52-3).\nA field goal! Too bad it was four quarters too late.\n"Be careful what you write, honey. You need your legs" -- my mom (52-17, final).\nI didn't have to say it, Mom. My family and friends said it for me.