Open your mind and close your nose

Thrift stores really get me off. I don't know if it's the menagerie of "World's Best Boss" coffee mugs or the naked Cabbage Patch dolls with one arm and crayon-colored plastic faces, but I love 'em, and I know you do, too. It's the only place where you can literally find an outfit for every occasion, from an '80s prom to a first date at Starbucks. And for almost no money!\nNearly everyone's been to a thrift store. Some go once a year for Halloween and scour aisle after aisle for Cosby sweaters and bell-bottoms. Some memorize the shipment schedule and flirt with the stock boys so they can get first dibs on the hand-me-downs every week. Regardless, we've all been there. Some stores can be a little intimidating, so here's my "how-to-shop-thrifty-and-not-lose-your-marbles" guide to Goodwill.\nThere are a lot of things to remember when vintage shopping. First and foremost, hold your nose.\nThen remember to keep an open mind. Yes, some thrift stores might be dirty, and some of the clothes might be pre-worn by a sweaty, 480-pound guy nicknamed "Sweet Cheeks." But hey, he probably had a great personality.\nAs we all know and have probably pointed and laughed at, there are used bras and "tighty-whities" at Goodwill. Get over it. You don't have to buy them. I mean, you can if you're into that sort of thing; I'm sure there's some sort of eroticism in the mysterious past life of your panties. If you're a frugal Freddy, just buy your undies at Wal-Mart and feed corporate America's bastard child of greed and shame like everyone else. \nSo now that your nasal passages are closed off and you've bypassed the secondhand intimates, let's shop. But thrift shopping is no walk in the mall, so you better be ready. I'm talking dedication here -- none of this pansy, hands-off browsing. You've got to, as they advise in "High School Musical," get your head in the game. There should be thorough sifting, size-checking and fitting. It's OK to try things on. Scabies isn't that common.\nAnd keep your eyes peeled. For every 467 pairs of acid-washed, high-waisted mom jeans, there is one kickass belted shirtdress. For every 1,825 turtleneck sweaters with snowman appliques and sequins, there is one great leather bomber jacket. Be confident; you will find that diamond in the vomit-stained rough.\nShopping thrift is also a great way to expand your wardrobe. Not in quantity but in variety. People always tell me they couldn't "pull off" the clothes I wear, but it's not like I'm sporting aluminum foil tank tops and LEGO dresses to class. If your entire wardrobe is Abercrombie T-shirts and tattered jeans, it might be hard to pull off anything else simply because people will react to the change. But you can keep your wardrobe varied with super-cheap vintage pieces that spice things up. And if you wear it and decide you look more revolting than Nicole Richie in a bikini, trash it. It probably cost less than your pride.\nAnd the great thing about Goodwill is that you can feel good about wasting your parents' money on some dead guy's argyle, knee-high socks. About 83 percent of Goodwill's total revenues are used to fund education, career services and other critical community programs, according to its Web site.\nEvery time you shop at Hollister, a Republican kills a kitten.\nBut seriously, take a little trip to your local thrift store, and buy something that 46 other people in your history class aren't wearing. You'll be surprised at what you can pull off. And if it turns out you can't, who cares? Is one dollar really that important to you? Do you really need another cheap Buddha doll from the Target dollar spot? You don't even meditate.