Mullet mania

Picture this: a place where individuals need not worry about showering. A place full of fried foods and copious amounts of people to consume it. A place where mullets are accepted and, dare I say it, expected. This place may seem like an impossible utopia, but it is very real. It's called the West Side Nut Club Fall Festival, and it can be found Oct. 1-7 in Evansville, my hometown.\nThe Fall Festival is a meeting ground for mullets. I was planning on taking a friend from my dorm back home with me to experience the "mulletude" (the multitude of mullets). Unfortunately, plans fell through, and I was instead forced to take pictures. At first, I chose to photograph every mullet I saw. But after snapping more than 40 shots in the first two minutes, I decided that this probably wasn't the most practical idea. However, based on my sample, I observed certain patterns emerging in the mullet population.\nIn this way, I was able to conduct a survey on the diversity of the mulletude at the festival.\nIn order to understand all of the other types of mullets, one must fully grasp the concept of "The Standard Mullet." This specimen can be seen wearing a sleeve-less T-shirt, tight jeans and a full mustache. This classic mullet is most likely to be found in a trailer park on a man with a two-part first name (Jimmy-Bob, Bobby-Joe, Billy-Bob). Some describe the Standard Mullet as "business in the front, party in the back." This kind of mullet made up a surprisingly low 28 percent of the population.\nThe plurality, 46 percent, were "Curmullets." A Curmullet is a mullet that is permed and/or very curly. To me, this says the mullet wearer takes great pride in his or her mullet. Instead of having to worry about visible grease, the Curmullet just puts on a John Deer hat and "gits 'er done."\nThe "NASCAR Mullet" is next on the list, topping out with a weak showing of just 12 percent. This mullet is generally coupled with a Dale Earnhardt Jr. or Jeff Gordon shirt and matching key chain. Other defining features of Curmullet-wearers include the freshman-in-high-school mustache (no matter how hard you try, it just won't grow) and acid-washed jeans.\nThe last mullet worth mentioning is the "Gullet," or girl mullet. This category includes both Curmullets and the Standard Mullet. The Gullet-wearer is distinguished by a wardrobe filled with phrases like "I'm out of bed, what more do you want?" and "Save a horse, ride a cowboy." The Gullet made up 12 percent of the mulletude. \nThe last 2 percent fell into the "other mullet" category. \nVisiting the Fall Festival year after year still continues to amaze me. Although I do not take part in the consumption of deep-fried Twinkies or Oreos, the mulletude is enough to keep me satisfied. I urge each of you to join the festivities at least one time in your life. Who knows, maybe you'll find a whole new category of mullet and your name will live on forever in mulletdom.