Whoring for Pluto

"Auf Wiedersehen," Heidi Klum says to an eliminated Pluto, as it slinks off the celestial runway. \n"Screw you," retorts Pluto. "Your husband's face looks like my surface."\nPluto's pissed. Yet as the saying goes on Planet Runway: "One century you're in and the next ... you're out." \nIt's a universal tragedy. Because of new planetary guidelines, Pluto is no longer considered a planet. According to astronomers, Pluto shall hereby be referred to as simply "really big ball." \nAttractive people and not-attractive people alike are indeed shocked -- making this the biggest celestial drama since Lindsay Lohan announced her inability to immediately locate the Big Dipper.\nCNN news anchor Danielle Elias, in support of the elimination, explained Pluto's cosmic insignificance, calling it "so small, cold and far away."\nMany fervently disagree. \n"Just because Pluto is cold and distant doesn't mean it's insignificant," said Jim Smith, a representative from the Fictitious Association of Stepdads. "Perhaps Pluto's icy exterior is just a tactic to avoid love and responsibility. Is that so wrong?"\nPluto's perceived insignificance fuels its lovable charm. As astronomer Neil Tyson explained to CNN, "It now has the underdog factor ... People are kind of bucking for it."\nIndeed, the Pluto movie is practically writing itself. \n"A Caucasian planet tries learning hip-hop dance in a predominately black celestial hood. Julia Stiles stars as Pluto in 'Save the Last Planet.'"\nThough "underdog" supporters are upset, according to CNN, astronomer Jocelyn Bell-Burnell tells them to "look on the bright side." The bright side, of course, being their lack of genital warts.\nTeachers, though wartless, are still severely disappointed. Many must now rewrite the planet memorization jingles taught to students in class. Thus, in an attempt to modernize both lyrics and style, I've written a new solar system song, in hopes of facilitating new planetary education:\n"Eight hos in a row,\nEverybody know, \nUranus lookin' fly, \nall up in the sky.\nWho? What? Saturn?\nMOON-TANG! \nYeah, yeah. \nFreakin' Neptune, hos. " \nThough teaching methods might change, commentator John Whitsett assures worriers that "anything that gets kids engaged and thinking about science has got to be a good thing," CNN reported. \nAnd I agree. Kids should learn about change -- as I did -- that sometimes planets just leave. And not because their planets don't love them but because their dad found a much younger, Asian planet to have sex with. \nThink again, Whitsett! I won't allow children to face cosmic divorce!\nTo help save Pluto and restore cosmic balance, I have made it my personal prerogative to sit down with as many astronomers as possible and fondle them inappropriately. \nAs a citizen of the galaxy and a dirty whore, I consider groping scientists my civic duty. The fact is, the solar system is like sex itself: much, much better if nine are involved.\nThus, I will continue "working" diligently on Pluto's behalf -- until the ninth planet is safe once again. Because there is only one dish my very educated mother will ever just serve us. \nAnd it sure as hell ain't nachos.