Paris is burning

The only way to fairly critique Paris Hilton's debut album is to assume that there is no such person as Paris Hilton. Paris had about as much to do with the writing, recording, and production of her debut LP as Brian Jones had to do with the writing, recording, and production of the Stones' "Let it Bleed," which is not too damn much. She's there. You can hear (a reasonably vocoded facsimile of) her voice on each track, but her presence is about as heavily sensed as that faint fecal stench on a freshly cleaned toilet. No, Paris is not to blame for the relative disaster that is "Paris." Her songwriters, producers, and record label are.\nParis' commitment level to this project should be evident immediately by the album's cover. Wearing a cocktail dress and sporting that same bored, entitled look in her eyes that was on display during the entire Rick Salomon sex tape, her gaze reflects her singing. Most listeners will sense from track one onward that Hilton spent a grand total of three hours in the studio, resolving to let the producers clean up her mess for the final mix.\nThe producers do their best, but alongside Hilton's record label, they're just acting as enablers. Scott Storch and Rob Cavallo, normally reliable behind the boards, can only scribble a set of competent backbeats and hope Paris' voice doesn't crack. Though I suppose the synthesizers could correct that, too. Lyrically, "Paris" is negligible to the point of words being a non-issue. It's no surprise, then, that Paris is actually credited in co-writing many of the wannas and gonnas herein.\nTracks of special note include "Nothing in This World" and the aptly titled "Screwed," both of which are musically enjoyable enough to forgive. On the other end of the spectrum, a hideous cover of Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" comes off as a snotty rhetorical question to affirm Hilton's own faux-celebrity.\nMuch like Lindsay Lohan's 2004 and 2005 albums, and perhaps more like William Hung's "Inspiration," "Paris" is pure empty product. The beats are sometimes infectious and the hooks can be catchy, but as with Paris herself, there doesn't seem to be anything below the surface. After 11 tracks of breathy, synthesized warbling from Miss Hilton, we can only hope that her dreams of success in the music business will fade away quickly.