Ensemble de Kilroy's

You're sitting at Kilroy's on pretty much any given night, and it gets to be about one in the morning. Your head feels fuzzy from the glibly named shots you've had -- you liked the Frosted Pudendum, but weren't too impressed with the Dislodged Sinus Infection. You notice the crowd is growing rapidly -- and you either feel more or less at home, depending on what you're wearing.\nIf you're wearing a polo shirt, you feel at ease because, all of a sudden, you're in the empowered majority (unless someone happens to be wearing the same delicate shade of pink or blue as you, in which case, you have to fight for supremacy). If you're not, you're shaking your head and wondering why everyone is clad in three-button, short-sleeved dress shirts in colors like mauve, salmon and teal.\nBut where did this all come from? What prompted the sudden explosion of polo shirts as the requisite uniform for over-tanned college guys? Like all things half-way classy and half-way stupid, it started with the French.\nBefore 1929, tennis players wore clothing that looked like the love child of a rugby jersey and a jaunty waistcoat. They were long-sleeved, thick and uncomfortable, and because of the high latitude of London and Paris, tennis players would often get sunburns on their necks from playing outdoors. In the true snotty European way, no one did anything about it because to do otherwise wouldn't be "sporting."\nEnter French tennis champion René Lacoste. Not one to suffer fools, he decided to create a garment that would allow him to perspire efficiently, move unencumbered and escape sunburn's discomfort. What did he create?\nWell, like an actual polo jersey, Lacoste's shirt buttons allowed the collar to be restrained in the wind. But the most important aspect of the collar was that it could be popped up to protect the neck from ultraviolet radiation. Yes, as much as it pains me to say this, as much as I wish to all things holy that it weren't so, the purpose of the collar is to be popped.\nIt was an instant hit for tennis players. However, when Ralph Lauren started selling his "Polo" line in the '60s, he specifically incorporated the tennis shirt because it seemed the type of shirt also worn by people who would play polo. Thus, the name became so inseparable from the look of the idle-rich, WASP asshole, that the shirt itself was soon attached to the sport.\nSo, back to Kilroy's. Amid the bros, you're faced with a stunning truth: Polo shirts are partially casual and partially dressy; but, more than anything else, their purpose throughout all these years has been to make you look richer, more interesting and more leisurely than you actually are.\nAll of which is fine. But, if you really want to look rich, you should just buy me more drinks. With all these pastel hues, varying stripes and flashy emblems, I could use another Frosted Pudendum to stop from having an epileptic fit. That would definitely not be "sporting"