So much crap, so little time

So, it is summer time again. No seriously it is. Check your calendar, I am right. In Bloomington that means a few things. First of all, it means that you can now drive down 10th Street in under an hour. It also means that the ratio of Escalades to Pickup trucks takes a severe nosedive. But the biggest, most important thing that happens this, and every, summer, is the blockbuster. That is right, it is time for the summer blockbuster. Superheroes, horror movies and high profile action are all coming your way. Screw Oscar time, this is when the best movies come out, and unlike last year it looks like this summer will see a lot of worthwhile fare. My mouth is salivating over "X-Men 3", "Pirates of the Caribbean 2," "Superman Returns" and "Idiocracy," Mike Judge's long delayed follow-up to "Office Space." But on the other hand there is going to be a lot of crap. And this isn't just normal run of the mill crap; we are talking about the radioactive son of crap, Crapzilla. \n"Poseidon:" What is the best way to remake a crappy disaster movie from the '70s? Cast it with has-beens and unknowns. What does it say when your biggest names are Richard Dreyfuss and THAT guy from "Sweet Home Alabama." Seriously, what rock did they find Richard Dreyfuss under? Rumor is that he is working for food and a place to crash.\n"The Omen:" The only reason the original "The Omen" was even worth watching at all is for camp value. Just because there is going to be a 06/06/06 this year doesn't mean you have to release a movie about the devil ... okay the release date is kind of cool.\n"The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift:" Dear God! What horror hath those who saw "2 Fast 2 Furious" wrought? Here is the premise, down home southern boy goes to Japan with Bow Wow and shows those dirty Japanese how we race in America. How bad does a movie have to be before Paul Walker refuses to work on it? I guess we are going to find out.\n"Garfield's A Tale of Two Kittens:" Come on, there is no way that anyone could have possibly thought that a "Garfield" sequel was a good idea. The executives over at Fox must have missed the first one, as did the rest of America.\n"Little Man:" If you have yet to see the preview for this movie, do yourself a favor and hop on the Internet and check it out. Marlon Wayans' head CGIed onto a 3-year-old's body. I think I died a little inside by just seeing that. Who keeps letting the Wayans Brothers make movies? Then again White Chicks make a boat load of money so someone out there it watching this stuff.\n"Lady in the Water:" After "Unbreakable" and "The Village" there cannot possibly be anyone left who is still willing to sit through a M. Night Shyamalan film. I wonder if this movie will end with a ridiculously over the top and pointless twist. Well according to my Magic Eight Ball, all signs point to yes.\n"Miami Vice:" Don't think this movie will be that bad? Well I have a question for you. Has Colin Farrell ever been in a good movie? Plus, it is becoming all too clear that Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx is more like Academy Award winner Cher than Academy Award winner Laurence Olivier. \n"Zoom:" Tim Allen Stars in an exact rip off of last year's superhero film "Sky High." I wonder if we pool our money together, do you think we can raise enough to bribe people to stop putting Tim Allen in films. Sadly this will probably be better than his other film coming out this year, "The Santa Clause 3."\n"DOA: Dead or Alive:" This movie has one point and one point only: boobs and plenty of them. Then again what do you expect when you have a movie that is based on a video game that gained its notoriety by being the first fighting game with jiggling. They are yet to reveal the plot of "DOA," but I have a feeling that it will have something to do with a beach.\n"Snakes on a Plane:" I think this might be the worst movie that I have ever been dying to see. Will it be bad? Of course it will, but there are going to be snakes! On a plane! I think the greatest joke that could ever be played on America would be if this movie were actually a three hour biopic about Herbert Hoover.