Where's the reality in that?

If there's one thing that gives me a proverbial rash it's "Laguna Beach." This horrible excuse for television is a prime example of TV execs wringing out the wet rag of a popular trend until every penny has dripped out -- in this case, so-called "reality TV." \nI mean, as if the first 20 seasons of "Survivor" weren't enough. Or the infinite number of piss-poor "Joe Millionaire"/"The Bachelor" shows, where people get to meet perfect strangers and then after 10 episodes marry them. What a great example for the youth of America today. Let's marry people we meet on a TV game show. \nBut really, reality TV must have some artistic merit. I'm sure it's tough to get that perfect balance of meathead male, self-indulgent rich girl and stereotypical minority and then edit the right series of staged events together to reach the most exciting, profitable and, unfortunately, the most artificial outcome.\nBut let me get back to "Laguna Beach." Let's evaluate the title: "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County." Judging by the title itself, MTV didn't just make a ridiculous, overly contrived reality show, but they made it based on an equally awful teenage soap opera sitcom. The thought alone makes me cringe. \nThe first season of the show revolves around a group of extremely wealthy high schoolers who live in beautiful Laguna Beach, Calif. One of the major plot lines of the first season involved two rather attractive teenage girls who loathe each other because of their similar love of Stephen. First of all, even I'm better looking than that guy. And, secondly, if I wanted to watch a bunch of stupid teenage drama I could simply take a time machine back to high school.\nAnd for those of you who in fact watch these shows, I apologize -- not for my ruthless assault of your beloved "reality TV," but for the fact you actually watch this mindless garbage.\nSo you might be thinking (unless you are a diehard "Laguna Beach" or "OC" fan and have already stopped reading this and hate me by now), "Is there any worthwhile reality television out there, according to this guy?" The answer is yes. "Cops."\nNow that is a show. Not only is "Cops" in fact real and not staged, it's simply hilarious. How can you not love "Cops?" Where else can you see actual police footage from the late 1980s and early 90s? And I don't know anyone on earth who owns a TV and cannot recognize the opening bars of the show's theme song "Bad Boys" by the reggae group Inner Circle. \nI was watching "Cops" a couple days ago and was treated to a smorgasbord of dangerous, outrageous and ultimately entertaining situations. Watching it for the first time in about a year, it finally occurred to me that a typical "Cops" episode almost always adheres to the following format: a cameraman sitting in the front seat films a cop up close while he or she describes the situation to which they are responding. The cop then arrives at the scene, most often to find either (a) an arguing couple who are typically intoxicated and, upon being put in cuffs, always seem to be looking for their cigarettes or (b) a person who has drugs, a drug dealer or a prostitute who adamantly but unintelligently deny the policeman's allegations. Every male criminal on "Cops" also follows a distinct pattern in that their attire is always shorts and either a dirty tank top or no shirt at all. \nThere are several variations to this formula but the show tends to primarily revolve around this scenario. And quite often the viewer is rewarded with a ridiculous, heart-pumping chase scene. \nOkay, so I love "Cops" and I hate "Laguna Beach" (and I will probably have less dating opportunities after this article is published). But what does this mean? In my opinion, reality TV, with the exception of "Cops," in fact contains very little reality at all.