The commissioner's new clothes

It isn't often that a commissioner of a professional sports league makes a profound impact on my life. Sure there have been moments where I've drifted to sleep pondering the policies of Bud Selig, but the true master only emerges once in awhile. Ending the All-Star game in a tie? Brilliant. The work he did relaxing the steroid penalties? The work of a genius. \nHowever, over the past week, the legend that is NBA Commissioner David Stern has opened my eyes and changed the way I look at sports.\nBy instituting a dress code for players, Stern has finally brought to light issues that have remained in the shadows for too many years.\nStern's policy helped me to realize the negative effects of jewel-encrusted chains, throwback jerseys and do-rags. Why players were allowed to express themselves for this long is beyond me. History has shown that people who dress differently or do not follow the majority are usually weird or just plain wrong. Trust me, it's science. All fans know that when players start dressing how they want, things can get out of control. Last year's brawl in Detroit? Some might blame the infamous blue cup, but the real reason? Threads.\nWith Stern's realization came a realization of my own: All the professional sports leagues are being deteriorated by player, coach and even fan attire. Forget about steroids, drugs and off-the-field violence. Clothing is the real problem. From my mentor's philosophies, I have decided to help another league save itself by coming up with similar rules. Gone will be the days of sex cruises and whizzinators as the Down to the Dwire Dress Code is here to save the National Football League from its impending doom. \nLet's start at the top with the coaches. \nDown to the Dwire Rule No. 1104-D: Coaches are no longer allowed to dress casually on the sidelines. This kind of dress portrays the league as one of sloppy, unprofessional brutes. No longer permitted are sweatshirts, gym shoes, hats or clipboards -- all of which contribute to the "my wife picked out my outfit" look of NFL coaches. From now on, coaches must wear five-piece suits which coordinate with their team's colors. After all, football is a job, and coaches should be dressed appropriately. It should be noted that rule 1104-D also contains a "Belichick clause," which is aptly named for one of the most troublemaking coaches in the league. This bylaw states that cutting the sleeves off a sweatshirt do not make it anymore of a suit. The next time a certain coach tries to pass this off as clothing he will be heavily fined.\nI think I speak for everyone when I say the second most disturbing part of watching any NFL game is the fans. They dress like hooligans, paint their faces and lack any sense of etiquette. Don't they know they are entering a place of business? Well, now there will be no confusion. \nDTTD rule No. 1983-W: Fans must wear business casual when attending any National Football League event. This applies to not only games, but also to tailgates and any event where a team is mentioned. In order to enforce this rule, there will be "12th man officials" who will enforce dress code and behavior violations at games and in the homes of private individuals who have parties relating to the teams.\nAlthough these rules might merely break the ice of the epidemic going on in professional sports, at least they are a starting point. Without policies like the ones Stern has instituted in the NBA, the world of sports would be uncivilized. Fans would run around with painted chests and crazy masks and players would wear whatever they want off the court. And what fun would that be?