Tangled in ivy

Oh boy, does it itch.\nThe rash that makes otherwise rational fingers dance a zesty rendition of the Phalange mamba: poison ivy. \nUp until a week ago, I had never encountered the inflammation. Up until a week ago, I thought I was completely immune. Up until a week ago, I would have bet my right gonad that I would never get it. \nNow I'm just an itchy mofo with a lopsided crotch.\nThe rash first appeared about six days ago. It was red, bulbous and was shaped a lot like Quebec. However, at the time, it was relatively dinky. Since then, it has continued to blossom every day, ballooning like a giant Chia-rash. How much has it grown, you ask? \nLet's just say there are now 51 stars on the flag. That's right. Government officials have since titled it, "My-rash-achusetts." \nIn an attempt to muffle the screams of my enraged skin, I drove to CVS and bought a generic cortisone cream, the knock-off title of which sounded something like, "Freakin' Corti." I then went home and applied the cream gently in a Venn diagram-like motion.\nBut as the ointment began to sink in, so did a striking realization: Perhaps my encounter with poison ivy wasn't an accident! Perhaps it was karmic leafy revenge. \nLet's consider the evidence. Last week, I wrote a column about my contempt for the opera and received a hefty bushel of criticism. This week, I have a rash. Coincidence? \nI think not. \nThus, I devised a theory. During one of my peaceful slumbers, a CIA opera-tive must have broken in and poisoned my epidermis out of anger.\nI have come to realize: If you hurt someone, whether incidentally or intentionally, you risk not only getting an angry backlash, but an angry back rash.\nIronically, poison ivy and anger seem to share a lot of the same characteristics. They both spread quickly, are difficult to eradicate and creep below the surface until summoned by a vengeful itch. \nIn this situation, the outbreak began with a buffoonish column that, quite unprofessionally, attempted to fill others with operatic contempt. As a result, in a whirlwind of defensive itching, people decided to volley contemptuous messages right back via Facebook. I received several hate messages, one of which simply stated, and I quote: "You suck at life." \nThis instance of malicious, verbal badminton is symptomatic of a campus trend. Students get frustrated at teachers, friends and ex-lovers quite often. Rather than trying to soothe the irritation, however, people proceed to itch uncontrollably in order to ameliorate a nagging pain. \nThe key to dealing with hatred is the same as dealing with poison ivy: do not scratch. Because when you do, you will not only exacerbate the inflammation, but risk spreading the infection. \nIf someone, or something, happens to rub you the wrong way, take a deep breath, floss and try to decompress. Rather than itching an area that causes you irritation, try applying some conversational cortisone. \nBecause when it comes to hatred, it's important not to act rashly.