Exiting stage left

When I returned to my high school last year to see "Grease," it became very clear that most of the male extras were gay. Heterosexuals doing wild pelvic thrusts would have simply been too anomalous, like finding a hamburger in the desert. Obviously, the trend for the gay moths to gravitate toward their inner acting flame was still going strong.\nHowever, this fact made me wonder. Why is it that so many homosexuals enjoy acting?\nSimple. We've been doing it our whole lives. \nFrom middle school to grade school, from hiding lisps to pretending to enjoy basketball, we've had plenty of practice playing the part of "the heterosexual." \nFor me, the curtain rose in sixth grade. Since the word "gay" was shot around my junior high like a stream of bullets, I learned early on that acting straight was crucial for surviving school. Thus, I adopted a queer-ified version of Darwinism. \nFor years, I played the part flawlessly. In fact, in 2001, I was nominated for a gay Emmy. \nBut believe me, winning that "Golden Vagina" statuette was hard work; I had to date a lot of overweight girls. I had to go on numerous faux dinner dates as well, most of which just felt like a funeral with appetizers. \nIn 8th grade, I even began "straightening" my language. While talking, I'd try to sound as heterosexual as possible. This involved using terms like "booby sandwich" with regularity, as well as immediately following the words "vaginal intercourse" with "cowabunga." \nIn high school, the fake celebrity obsessions began. First, it was a prolonged fixation on Jennifer Love Hewitt, or as I liked to call her, Jennifer "not real love because I prefer the Y-chromosome" Hewitt. Then, it was Denise Richards. Finally, it was U.S. olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu -- which was fantastic -- because it gave me a great excuse to watch the floor routines. \nThe truth is, all of those fake dates and pretend obsessions were merely apparitions -- imaginary scenes in the giant, fantastical production of "Colin Likes the Pooty-Tang."\nI didn't realize until I came out just how painful and demoralizing the part really was. \nLooking back, I can remember how bruising it used to feel.\nWhenever anyone made a gay joke, I was always the one who laughed the loudest. Whenever a school dance came up, I could never dance with the person I loved.\nWhenever a teacher would make a gay reference, I would get so nervous that I didn't even want to swallow. I was afraid someone would identify my apprehensive swallow as a homosexually-repressed gulp. When I finally did, the sound seemed deafening.\nI guess it was the sound of me swallowing my pride. \nAs time progressed, however, I began to outgrow my costume. Finally, one day, exhausted of memorizing dialogue, and buying posters of gymnasts, and worrying about loud gulps, and lying to girls ... I decided to tear up my script and flush it down the giant toilet of my past.\nI beseech all current "actors" to do the same. \nBecause your life is waiting for you offstage.